Catherine's Life
by eclecticlady
Summary: Jackie moved on with her life and she has a successful career. But what about Catherine? This story will be about Catherine's life after breaking up with Jackie. She left Bloomington and moved to New York. Her life from now on should be peaceful. However, one late evening in the library changed her plans.
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter I_

It has been a month since Catherine left Bloomington. She never thought about leaving the town but circumstances; break-up with Jackie and losing her job put her in a difficult position.

At first, she did not give up, she resisted. She started searching for teaching positions at nearby colleges but her reputation followed her everywhere. Not a single college administration was willing to hire her due to already spread rumors.

She was not interested in working as a therapist and she especially did not want to work as a counsellor in a high school because rumors will definitely follow her there too. There were no other options for her. Bloomington is not a megalopolis. Her choices were limited.

Spending more than a year in search of a job and perspective for her life, she decided to leave the town. All this time she was living with the money she inherited from her parents. She was lucky enough to have this option but she could not imagine herself living like this any longer.

After deciding to leave the town, she faced difficulty of choosing. She did not know where to go. It was easier for her to decide when she graduated from Stanford. She had a house in Bloomington and there were colleges nearby the city, so there was a destination. However, it was different now. There were many cities and choosing one was not easy. She was sure about two things: First, she needs to leave Bloomington. Secondly, she should stay away from California, hence Jackie.

Although she and Jackie made a friendly closure, Catherine knew that going back together was out of question. Besides, Jackie's career progressed enough and probably paparazzi were around her all the time. This kind of life was not for Catherine.

She contacted a few of her college friends letting them know she is looking for a job in other cities. She also emailed her professors from Stanford asking for their assistance. She was lucky; Professor Hecht gave her a great recommendation letter after he asked for her resignation.

After a few weeks she made the radical decision, an old professor from Stanford contacted her informing about a vacant teaching position at NYU.

She was hesitant at first. Sure, she decided to move to another city but moving from Bloomington to New York was like dropping a fish from fish-tank into the ocean.

After thinking whole day, she decided to apply. It is not as she is going to move immediately. She still needs to get a job offer. Until that time, there might be other opportunities too.

Almost a month later Dr. John Walters, Dean of Psychology Department at NYU, contacted her. He asked casual questions like "Why do you want to join NYU?", "Do you want to continue on teaching or is it a temporary occupation until you find something else?", "In case you are hired, what will be your contributions to the institution?" etc. She managed all the questions well, until interviewer asked: "What was the reason for you to leave your previous employer?"

After applying for the job, Catherine thought repeatedly about how she will respond to this question if there will be an interview. This was a standard question asked during an interview. Therefore, she knew they would ask her about this issue. Although she had a ready answer to that, she stuttered. While answering she realized that they could call her previous employer before calling her and became terrified. She said: "I had a house in Bloomington and after graduation, I decided to return back. Since there were colleges around the city, I was sure there would be a job for me. After teaching a few years, I realized that the university is not the place where I can use my capacity fully and after some time, I was bored and decided to quit in order to find another job. It was later I realized that one should find another job before quitting the old one".

Dr. Walters noted that many academicians applied for the position but they chose a dozen candidates among others and Catherine was one them. He noted that Catherine's latest research on reversal of self-denial impressed him a lot and he thinks there will be enough support for her to continue her researches at NYU.

After ending phone interview, Catherine smiled at how her research played a role on her life. How many great memories are linked to that research? If she will get the job, this will be one, another will be library where she and Jackie... No! No more Jackie, Catherine thought to herself. The life must go on but this time without Jackie. Now it was only her.

After a few weeks, Catherine still did not have any feedback from NYU and there were no other opportunities in the job market. She started to feel anxious, she started going crazy. She cannot tolerate unemployment anymore. She even thought about calling Hecht and begging him for a job. It all ended, when she received a call from NYU. They invited her to New York for an interview.

She had a panel interview with the department head and a few other notable professors of the department. She briefed them about what kind of classes she is willing to teach and how she is going to design those courses so the students would be encouraged to participate in the class. After presenting her vision about her potential career in NYU, one of the professors thanked her for being well prepared and organized. She even complemented Catherine's enthusiasm and motivation.

Catherine reached her house in Bloomington in the late evening. She texted her dog sitter informing she will take Ethan in the morning. She was so tired that she decided to go to bed without eating anything.

After having a breakfast and bringing back Ethan home, she checked her email box and saw an email from NYU. Holding her breath, she opened the email and saw an attached job offer document. She smiled and threw herself on the nearby couch.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2_

Now she lived in an Upper East Side apartment in Manhattan. It has been a month since she moved into her new apartment. It was a small apartment, a tiny one comparing to her house in Bloomington. There was only one bedroom and a bathroom, living room and kitchen were small. Nevertheless, it was nice and comfortable, and neighborhood was peaceful. She was still busy with settling down since she did not bring all her stuff. She decided to bring the most important stuff with her and buy the rest after moving in. The first day she moved in, she hugged Ethan who was already homesick and promised him more interesting life than ever.

She consoled herself thinking she will get used to it. At least, she was not alone; Ethan was still with her. Moreover, classes were going to begin in a few weeks. She probably will not think about this stuff while she is working. The only thing she went through trouble to bring with her was her precious Porsche. In the beginning, she thought about selling it and buying a new car in New York. Then she changed her mind after imagining all the trouble of choosing and buying a new car. Instead, she shipped the car to New York. Now she lived in a tiny apartment, her only consolation was her expensive car, which still made her feel better.

Classes started and she was happy to go back to teaching. Her classes were more crowded than in Bloomington but this did not bother her. She was sure that moving to New York will change her life; she will be facing new challenges and opportunities. These all are for good she constantly repeated to herself every morning, while standing in front of her bathroom mirror.

A month later, she already made up leeway. She spent most of her time at work; when she was not teaching, she was in her office redesigning her course curriculums, finding new materials for further reading, and when she was not in her office, she was in the university library writing new articles to publish in Psychology Journals.

She also had time to get to know some of Psychology department staff. Everyone was friendly enough trying to help her with new atmosphere. She even went out with some of staff for a coffee or lunch a few times.

Her life was getting better and normal, and she almost forgot about the problems that brought her here. She was not happy but she was OK, finally she was peaceful. There were no rumors concerning her personal life and everyone respected her. It was enough for making her feel calm.

On a November evening, when she was in the library she realized it was late and she glanced up around to see who else was there. She saw nobody except a student sitting at the next table in front of her. Bored by all the reading and writing she had done that day, Catherine started attentively watching the girl in front of her.

The student was a young woman who tilted her head down on a journal. She had a pen in her left hand. She was calmly taking notes while reading the journal. There were other journals and books on the table too. Probably she was writing a paper or researching on a course topic. She had a porcelain skin tone and dark shoulder length haircut. Because of her side swept bangs, covering half of her face Catherine could not see her face. When Catherine realized that, she does not need to see her face and she better conclude her work here and go; the young woman lifted her head and gazed at Catherine who was staring at her.

They were close enough to each other for Catherine to see her big dark blue eyes, Greek shaped nose and oval chin. She was an attractive young woman in mid-twenties. She probably was a Master's or PhD student, Catherine thought to herself. She was older for being an undergrad student. Then she realized that the young woman is still looking at her and she better say something in order not startle her. Since the dramatic humiliation with her previous employer, she has lost all her confidence and communicating with other people was not so easy as it was before. The girl was still looking directly into her eyes and Catherine could not think of anything to tell her.

"Shit" Catherine thought to herself.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3_

The pause probably lasted about a minute but Catherine thought it lasted eternity. Finally, the other woman broke the silence. "Probably you did not expect to see another person here at this hour" she grinned cunningly. This caught Catherine off guard. At first, she thought it was her imagination. The look on the other woman's face persuaded her that it is not. She heard her own stammering: "Yes, you are right. It is just… This is not the first time I stay so late in the library and I always leave it last. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable". The other woman flashed her a weird smile and said, "It is OK, and it did not bother me at all. Just FYI". Catherine responded with a smile and looked down at her paper.

While looking through her notes Catherine could not feel easy since she felt someone glancing at her. She rushed to finish her reading and taking necessary notes. Then she stood up, put on her trench coat and went towards the doors taking her papers and bag before she left. She was glad that she left since she did not feel comfortable in the library. This was the first time she felt so uneasy. Before this evening, she never saw anyone who would stay so late but it was not just it. The woman in the library was strange and unreal. Either she was figment of her imagination or she was someone unpleasant.

Once she was outside of the library building, she stopped, raised her head up a little bit, and exhaled. She wished to be back at home as soon as possible and have a hot bath. Suddenly the sound of door opening made her come to herself. She felt someone walking from behind and stand next to her on the right. Catherine turned her head to the right and saw the woman in the library.

Before Catherine could do or say anything, the woman said, "I like New York evenings. They are so magnificent. Evenings in this city are not indicator of the end of a day". Catherine noticed a little bit of accent in her talking and immediately responded by asking, "So you are not from New York?" "No, I am not," said the other woman. Then she pulled a cigarette pack from her pocket. She wanted to pull a cigarette from the pack but stopped right away. She looked at Catherine and passed the pack to her but Catherine rejected:

\- Thanks but I do not smoke.

\- So do I. This is something I use from time to time as a tool for relaxing.

\- Quite unhealthy tool it is. I always thought people who do not smoke regularly but carry a pack of cigarettes with themselves try hard to look cool.

Catherine flashed a smile at her with intention to put her in her place and finalize the conversation. However, the young woman did not seem offended at all and responded immediately.

\- Cigarette and being cool? Well, I never saw a correlation there but believe me; I have passed the phase of trying to look cool long ago.

\- Aren't you a student?

\- Yes, I am. I am studying for a PhD… but not at this university.

\- Then which one?

\- Columbia University.

\- Oh, that sounds great. Then what are you doing here?

\- I work as a part-time instructor at NYU. In the department of Sociology. Therefore, I come here from time to time to work on the reading list for the courses I teach.

She caught Catherine off guard. It was the second time during the evening. Catherine looked at her once more. She was young and tall but shorter than Catherine was for an inch or two. She did not look like a professor but more like a TA. The woman took a cigarette from the pack and lit it.

\- Pardon me; it is hard to believe. You are so young.

\- I get that a lot. By the way, I'm Alexandra Slonim.

She smiled and held out her hand. Catherine introduced herself while shaking hands with her.

\- Nice to meet you Professor Stark. Right?

\- Yes. I teach at the department of Psychology.

\- Nice… I love Psychology. I minored in Psychology when I studied for BA in Sociology and used the knowledge of those approaches for my own researches.

\- Great to hear that a Sociologist finds Psychology useful. You guys always undermine its importance.

Catherine smiled at her. The conversation was getting interesting but it was almost 12 a.m.

\- It was nice to meet you, Professor Slonim. It is getting late and I should go home before my dog gets worried.

\- Pleasure was mine. I should also rush home; it has been a long day. However, the next time you see me please call me Alexandra.

\- How do you know if we are going to meet again? We are in different departments. Probability of us meeting again is quite low.

\- Believe me. We will definitely meet again. Good night, Professor Stark. Greetings to your dog.

She turned away and moved towards a parked motorcycle. Catherine moved towards her car and when she was inside of the car, she saw in the rare mirror Alexandra sitting on motorcycle and putting on a helmet. She laughed and said to herself, "And she does not try looking cool." While turning the engine on, she thought she already came across the name Slonim but she did not remember where.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

Catherine felt sudden exhaustion. Working all day long started to affect her. She decided not to stay after classes and go home to have a rest. She even refused going out for dinner with her colleagues bringing up an excuse about feeling down and sick. Actually, she was not lying. She was not sick but she felt down for some reason. Probably, lack of sleep and long hours of work without rest made her like this, she thought to herself.

Once she was at home, she cooked herself nice meal and had her dinner. Since she was feeling guilty for not spending enough time with Ethan, she took him for a walk and at the same time, she paid a visit to supermarket to buy a few stuff for home.

Once they were in the house, she laid down on the sofa with Ethan next to her on the ground. "What would you like to watch buddy?"- She smiled at him grabbing TV remote control and then added, "Let's see if there is anything interesting for both of us".

She turned on the TV and started switching channels. She stopped on one channel after she saw Jackie's image. The presenter was talking about Jackie's career, which drastically went up right after premiere of Neptune movie. Apparently, she already signed up for two more projects and one of them is going to be a huge deal.

Catherine was happy for Jackie. She could not have imagined her to stay with her in Bloomington. She would feel guilty for a lifetime to deprive her this opportunity. Besides there was no guarantee that Jackie and her would last forever. Probably, they would break up anyway. "What would happen if we still stayed together?" Catherine asked this question herself frequently.

Catherine turned of TV and leaned down to hug Ethan. "Do you also miss her?" Ethan looked at her with sad eyes and Catherine did not know whether it was due to moving to New York or because Ethan also missed Jackie. She exhaled deeply. Then she stood up to take her laptop from her briefcase and sat down.

She turned on her laptop and opened her email box. It took some time for her emails to load. While waiting she remembered the encounter with the woman in the library a few days ago. Slonim? Where did she hear that surname before? Forgetting about her emails, she opened Google and typed Alexandra Slonim. As soon as she pressed on the enter button, the results emerged on the monitor very quickly.

She clicked on the first link, which was a Wikipedia page. She saw a photo of the familiar face. She started reading about Alexandra.

Alexandra Slonim was a so-called prodigy in the field of Sociology. She graduated from Yale with a major in Sociology and a minor in Psychology as she mentioned to Catherine. Then she concluded her Master's degree at Yale and moved to New York after enrolling as a PhD student at the University of Columbia. She is mostly renowned for her book called "Memoirs of a stranger" which she published while being a Masters student. Her book consists of data she gathered through qualitative methods while she was traveling during summer holidays since she was 19. She travelled to more than 20 countries where she talked to citizens and noted her memories. Many Sociology and some Psychology scholars are using the book as an extracurricular reading.

Catherine stopped reading for a while and started bringing up every little detail about the night when she met Alexandra. No wonder she was so pushy and cheeky. Apparently, she thinks too much about herself. What about the accent? Catherine continued to read.

Alexandra was born to Jewish parents in St. Petersburg, Russia. She is 26 and spent most of her life in St. Petersburg before moving to the USA at the age of 17 to get education at Yale. Oh, that is where the accent comes from; Catherine said loudly and continued reading. She speaks five languages fluently.

OK, Catherine simpered to herself, an all-knowing snob. Then she looked at some of the scientific articles Alexandra wrote and it hit her right away. Yes, the name Slonim was a familiar one. Catherine read an article by her where the author claimed that every single psychological trait was driven by the society we live in or the people surrounding us. Moreover, Catherine used the same article as a resource for her article "Reversal of self-denial" and put Alexandra on the reference list. She tried to remind herself the details of the article and thought that in general it was great though there were a few questions in her mind. She could not have imagined that someone so young wrote the article.

She returned to her email box. There was nothing important, so she turned it off and went to bed.

The next morning, she greeted an old fellow professor while opening her office door with the key. The professor, whose name she tried to recall came close to her asking about her well-being.

\- Catherine, darling, hope you feel better. We all were worried about you the other day. Is everything OK?

Luckily, Catherine just remembered her name.

\- Professor Smith, so nice of you to ask. Yes, I feel better. I was so tired and exhausted that I went home and had a rest.

\- I understand. In fact, we were talking about you and mentioned how hard you work since you came here. You might be young and full of energy but it does not mean you should not rest. Give yourself a nice rest occasionally.

\- Well, I learned my lesson. Next time I will definitely be careful with that.

\- We will have a lunch with some of the department professors in the cafeteria. Would you like to join us?

\- Sure, I will join. I will be there at 12pm exactly.

\- Good. See you at lunch.

Catherine did not want to go for a lunch with a group but she did not want to estrange herself from other staff members too. Therefore, she was in the cafeteria right at 12pm.

After a group of a few professors sat down at the table. They started talking lively. At first, they talked about how they all hate finals week due to lots of pressure and students coming to their offices and asking for help. Suddenly, Professor McKay turned to Catherine.

\- Professor Stark, how do you handle students coming to your office and asking for help?

I am sleeping with them, Catherine said in her mind.

\- Professor McKay, it depends on the student. If this is a student who really tried the whole semester but somehow could not succeed, I will do my best to help him or her. However, if this is someone who does not bother himself to come to the class without an excuse, sleep during classes or does not listen to lectures, then I cannot help but pray for that student.

Everyone at the table laughed. Professor Smith asked Catherine.

\- So, how do you like our university? Are you getting used to the new atmosphere or is it uncomfortable?

\- I am getting used to it slowly. It is a bit difficult though. You know, I lived in a small town and I moved to New York. Everything here is new and enormous. Sometimes I like it but sometimes I find it too much.

\- You will definitely like it here. I do not know why a young and energetic woman like you would work in Indiana. Here you will have more opportunities for yourself. By the way, students say only great things about you. They seem to enjoy your classes very much.

Catherine shyly smiled at Professor Smith's compliment. The other staff members complimented her also bringing up her dedication and hard work she presented while working at the university. Catherine was getting her self-confidence back. It was great to be surrounded by the professors who respected and treated her well.

They started discussing other topics like courses and curriculums. One of the professors mentioned about possibility of a new member joining staff. Janette who was sitting next to Catherine and who was the same age as she was, spelled out:

\- So, is this true? Professor Walters wants her to join us.

Another professor, replied while still chewing his bite:

\- Apparently, he does. It would definitely be great to have her around us. The interest for the department will definitely increase. In addition, everyone likes her courses at the other department.

\- Oh, come on Professor Barnes. You say that because you like her book and you will be please to work by her side. I like her writings too but I am annoyed that Professor Walters wants to invite someone else to the department when every single one of us can teach the course. Right, Professor Smith?

\- I agree with you, Janette. Everyone in the department can teach that course.

Janette looked at Professor Barnes with a satisfied and happy face. Professor Smith, on the other hand, continued talking:

\- Nevertheless, Janette, dear, I should also admit that practically she is the only one to use the knowledge of qualitative research methods in real life situation until now. I find her works a little progressive but it is quite impressive as well. She has quite a potential and if she uses that potential in the right direction, I think she will be the next Bourdieu or Durkheim of her period.

Catherine could not help but interfere:

\- Sorry, I am lost. Who are you all talking about?

Alexandra Slomin, Janette responded quickly both with spark in her eyes and annoyance in her voice.


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter 5_

When their lips finally met, Catherine squeezed her already folded arms around Jackie. Why did she even let her go? She pushed Jackie towards the bed and lay on top of her. While opening the buttons of her shirt, she looked into Jackie's eyes and said, "I missed you... a lot".

In the morning, while grabbing a coffee on the way to her office she thought about the last night's dream. It was surreal but at the same time so realistic. It would be like this if she ever will come across Jackie again. She really missed her. Although she never deleted her phone number, she did not want to get in touch with her.

While going through mails in her office, Catherine saw an invitation to an event organized by the NYU College of Arts and Science. Apparently, all department staff was invited. "OK, this will be great to have a change of scenery."- She thought to herself.

It was an annual gathering of academicians of Arts and Science College. Catherine sat at the table separated for Psychology Department staff. The sound of murmuring spread across the hall. Dean of College made an opening with a warm speech and went through a few changes regarding rules and regulations at the university.

As soon as she finished her talk, everyone around started move chaotically. Psychology staff began talking to professors from other departments. Catherine just had a sip of her wine when professor Walters approached her.

\- Professor Stark, do you enjoy the evening?

\- Good evening, Professor Walters. I am not so sure. The evening just started. Will see.

\- I have to say, I have heard nothing but only good things about you. Both students and teaching staff seems to like you a lot.

\- Thank you, Professor Walters. I appreciate your compliments. I hope not to let your expectations down.

\- Well, do not forget to communicate with other department staff members. You will meet many interesting people. Let me start by introducing you to one of them.

He grabbed someone passing by.

-Alexandra, can I have your minute? Please let me introduce you to our newest staff member.

Catherine saw a surprised look on Alexandra's face. She definitely did not expect this.

\- No need, Professor Walters. We have already met. Professor Stark is a member of midnight library visitors club.

She flashed an innocent smile at Catherine and Catherine responded the same way. Professor Walters acknowledged his mission to be done and left. After he left, Alexandra looked at Catherine, maybe with a hope that she might start the talk. Catherine did not know where to start.

\- Did you pass my greetings to your dog?

\- No, I forgot. - Catherine laughed at the sudden comment.

\- How are you?

\- Fine. You?

\- I am OK, although a little bit bored. These kind of places are not for me.

\- I agree. You are too young for it. Your generation prefers to do fun stuff.

\- My generation? - exclaimed Alexandra with wondering eyes. - What do you call fun stuff?

\- How should I know? I have passed that phase long ago.

\- A-hah! Then what was fun stuff for your generation?

\- Most of what we liked back then is illegal these days.

Apparently, this fact amused Alexandra a lot. As she opened her mouth to say something, two professors approached her immediately and drag her into a conversation. Catherine, who was left aside, slowly left the spot. When she turned back to see whether there is anyone left around from the department, she caught Alexandra's glance on herself. Apparently, she was trapped in the conversation she would definitely like to avoid.

Luckily, Catherine find Janette and they started talking.

\- I saw you talking to Slonim. Do you know her?

\- Yes, I have met her once in the library. We exchanged a few sentences.

\- So, what is she like? People who know her talk great things about her.

Catherine felt a sudden change in Janette's demeanor. Before, she was annoyed by the fact that Alexandra might teach a course at the Psychology department, now she acted like a teenage fangirl.

\- I do not know. We have not talk so much. She seems to me a little bit arrogant but it might be my imagination.

\- I do not like the idea of her being aboard. It feels like underestimation of our teaching abilities. However, she is great at what she does. Did you read her book?

\- No, I did not.

\- You should. While traveling she interviewed many strangers and noted down everything she heard. Then she analyzed the collected data and made research on relevant literature. This is how her book emerged. She even uses some psychology approaches. Apparently, she is more into Social Psychology.

\- I will read the book. Being only one around who did not read it sucks.

Later, a few professors joined them, and after some time, Catherine excused herself to go to lavatory. Once she opened the door, she saw a woman who pressed her back to the wall and bent over her smartphone. She wore a slinky black dress. Catherine recognized Alexandra who did not even bothered to raise her head. Probably, she was hiding here.

\- Are you hiding here?

Alexandra raised her head and looked at her. Catherine saw her grinning.

-Yes. The crowd there is terrible.

\- They bother you?

\- They are boring. It is killing me.

\- Why did you come here then?

\- I have missed a few events like this and I could not say no again. I am out of excuses.

Catherine smiled at her empathetically. She knew how Jackie hated crowds where she was constantly harassed by question asking strangers. Probably, it is the same with Alexandra.

\- You know there are rumors in our department. They say you will teach one of our courses. Is that the reason why you were sure about us meeting again?

\- Yes, I got an offer like that and I would like to accept it. I told professor Walters that might not be the best idea. Probably, Psychology staff hates it, right?

\- No problem with me. I would not teach the course anyway. I hated qualitative researches a lot. Too much disorganization for me.

\- So, what you like is abnormal stuff. That is so organized. – Alexandra teased.

Catherine looked at her curiously. Alexandra had a satisfied look on her face.

\- I researched about you a little bit. Read your latest article. Liked it a lot by the way. Especially was surprised to see my name on the reference list.

\- I did not know it was you. I realized it later.

\- You know, in case you will be interested, I will be happy to invite you for a coffee to discuss your article. Just let me know when you have free time.

She took a business card from her purse. Catherine thanked her before taking the card. Alexandra said she is going to leave.

-See you, Professor Stark. Hope at least you will enjoy this evening.

-Thanks. I will try.

Catherine saw another dream that night and it caught her by surprise.


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

In her office, Catherine was directly looking at her desk. The business card Alexandra gave her was laying on it. Catherine stretched her hand to take the card but put her hand down without even touching it.

What happened the last night, was not supposed to happen. It was beyond a coincidence. Since she is a psychologist, Catherine knew that every dream that we see is a link to our subconscious mind. We see the dreams that are connected to our desires, fears, etc. This fact startled her. She would never imagine it in real life. Why would she even dream about it?

She exactly remembers how Jackie laid on top of her; her tongue pressed against Catherine's and her hands on Catherine's breasts. Since when she is on top, thought Catherine to herself. She immediately turned over with Jackie, so she could be on top of her. To her horror, she was looking at Alexandra's face. Alexandra was the one laying under her, not Jackie. As if it was not enough, she said, "Are you going to do it or not?"

Then she woke up and could not ignore the dream whole day. What was happening? She felt like she betrayed Jackie, cheated on her. Well, she cheated on her long before, when she slept with Michael to make Jackie feel bad... What the hell she was thinking... But sleeping with another woman in her dream was cheating on her mentally.

And why Alexandra? There is nothing likable about her. Yes, she is attractive, she is smart and she seemed nice during their last talk but she was nothing like Jackie or anyone else she slept with. She is too self-directed and self-esteemed for Catherine. Catherine liked people who were week and lost. That way it was easier for Catherine to hunt them as a predator. Alexandra is not like that. She probably is a hunter herself.

What made it even worse was the business card Alexandra gave her. She definitely was interested in meeting her but Catherine was not sure about it. Especially after that dream.

Now sitting at her desk Catherine observed the card with Alexandra's name and contact information. Maybe she should give her a call and arrange a meeting for next week. She cannot meet her right now due to recent dream confusions. Therefore, she would better meet her a week later. That way, she will calm down and be more relaxed.

She dialed the number, pressed call and waited for Alexandra to respond. She waited long enough to put down the phone. Once she wanted to do that, she heard someone answering to the call and saying, "Hello". Catherine froze. She did not know how to start the talk.

\- Hello?

\- Hi, it is Catherine.

\- Professor Stark! Such a pleasant surprise.

\- Well, you were the one to give me your card.

\- Well, you had the option not to call.

\- I did not want to be rude.

\- Thank you in any case. How was the rest of the night?

\- Let's say, you were smart enough to leave. Timing was ideal. So, are you willing to discuss academic issues?

\- We will discuss work only?

\- Yes... Until you would like to discuss something else?

\- No, I mean it is great to meet and discuss our inquiries.

\- OK.

"She didn't believe it. Why the hell would I say that?", Catherine said herself. She decided to change the topic. So, she asked:

\- Do you have a place in your mind?

\- Actually, there this little coffee shop in the crossover of W 3rd St. and Sullivan St. I like it a lot. Coffee is great there.

\- OK. Wednesday, next week at 5:00pm?

\- Next week?

\- Yes. This is a tough week for me. The next week right before exams would be perfect.

\- OK then. I confirm the date and time. See you then.

\- See you too.

On Wednesday at 5pm, Catherine entered to the coffee shop. There were not so many people. She saw a woman in a red sweater sitting at one of the estranging tables. She was reading a book. Catherine looked at her carefully to be sure its Alexandra and then moved towards her.

\- Hi.

The familiar face glanced up at her. Seeing her face and remembering her dream, Catherine felt uneasy.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

\- Professor Stark? Are you OK?

\- … I am sorry. I am a bit tired and there is something else in my mind… Hi.

Catherine smiled. Alexandra look at her like she was scanning her to understand what is in her mind.

\- If you had rough a day, maybe we should postpone the meeting to some other day, until you feel better.

\- No, no. It is OK.

\- Then let us order coffee. What would you like?

They made their orders and sat down sipping their coffees. Catherine rushed to start the conversation not to look suspicious.

\- This is a nice place. Are you a regular here?

\- Yes, I am. I usually buy coffee here and take it with me. On rare occasions, when I have meetings like this, I invite people here.

\- Isn't it hard to have a take away coffee with yourself on a motorcycle?

Alexandra laughed.

\- I am not sure. I think it might be. I have never tried it before.

\- Aa… You walk after buying coffee, right.

\- Sometimes yes but most of the time I buy coffee and drive to a class. I also have a car. You see, I had a motorcycle, you might call it a phase, and I could not sell it because of too many memories. Therefore, I still own it and drive on it sometimes.

\- What kind of memories?

Catherine asked immediately without thinking.

\- I prefer to hush about it. It is very personal.

\- I am sorry. It is none of my business anyway.

\- It is OK. Human nature is curious. For example, I am curious about why a brilliant Stanford alumnus would move to Indiana.

\- I did not know what I wanted back then. I was very young, younger than you are. I owned a house in Indiana so I thought it would be easier to move to Indiana rather to another city.

\- You probably disliked it there if you moved to New York.

\- I got bored. Therefore, I left.

\- Boredom is the reason why we all change the course of our lives. Hope this change would be great for you.

\- Thank you. May I ask, was boredom a reason for you to leave your home country?

Alexandra looked at Catherine with a curious and a smiling face.

\- I also did my homework.

Catherine smiled.

\- It was not boredom. It was a dream.

\- Dream?

\- Yes. For me, the US was always a magical land with lots of opportunities and interesting lifestyle. It might be banal but I was born in Reagan era and TV helped a lot to shape my mind.

\- Apparently, TV is not so useless if it helped you become what you are now.

\- It is not so simple. I loved watching TV and playing on game console. Nevertheless, there was a problem. My mother was a typical Jewish mother. In the US, they call mothers like her as a tiger mother. Since the first day I was born, all the plans and schedules regarding my life were designed. Besides standard school hours, I had to visit music school where I learned to play piano, a tutor who taught me English and German, and a tennis coach with whom I practiced three times a week. Moreover, I had to finish reading at least two classical literature books per months. Only if I could accomplish all the tasks, my mother would let me watch TV.

\- Wow. That is impressive but at the same time awful. For a child.

\- That is how I decided to leave Russia, to get rid of my mother's attention. It was not due to boredom. I never had time to be bored. Besides all the difficulties of my childhood, I love St. Petersburg. It is a beautiful city and have great museums.

\- I understand.

Catherine started to think that after all, both Jackie and Alexandra were alike. Apparently, they both had problems getting along with their mothers and both disliked crowds. She wondered whether there were other similarities.

\- Probably, you love the USA since you did not leave after the graduation.

\- I like the US though I had lots of disappointments.

\- What kind of disappointments?

\- I told you before coming here I thought of the US as a magical land with abundance of opportunities and freedom. I was right about those but everything comes within its price. As Ginsberg said, "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

\- You underestimate yourself, I think. Everyone around is sure that you will be greatest scholar in the field of Sociology.

\- Everyone might be sure but they do not know what it is in my head.

\- What is it in your head?

Alexandra fell silent and looked at Catherine.

\- I am sorry. Again, it is not my business. May I ask, why Sociology?

Alexandra thought a bit, smiled sadly and continued;

\- My mother hated the idea of me studying social sciences. She wanted me to be surgeon or an engineer at least. I even applied to a Medical faculty in Germany to please her and was admitted. My obsession was social sciences. Since I was a teenager, I read books by Camus and Kafka. I was interested in how the world around us works. How societies we live in make us who we are although we think that we are distinct and only we decide on who we are or what we want. That is how I applied for Sociology.

\- Did it help you to find answers to your questions?

\- Partially. I still look for answers.

Alexandra smiled sadly again.

\- Enough about me. How did you decide to go on with Psychology? Although curiosity?

\- Nope. Mine was a planned action. My parents were psychologists. I was surrounded by psychology since childhood and it went like it.

\- Is this where did you get the idea to write about _Reversal of Self-denial_?

\- Well, if you have seen it before and you probably have seen it. Some people who would not react silently on certain actions, reactions or talks in a normal situation, would do so in a situation where they are not allowed to do so. For examples, students laughing during the class…

\- I understand the reasons why you wrote about it. You did not answer where did you get the idea.

\- It is personal.

Alexandra looked at her and blurted out:

\- Oh my god! It is something related to sex, isn't it?

She nickered like a teenager whereas Catherine was lost. She hissed at her.

\- Why would you think so?

\- The way you smirked and blushed at the same time gave you away.

\- Don't you think it is inappropriate to make this conversation with someone you barely know?

\- I'm really sorry but please put yourself into my shoes. If it would be you, you'd also find it amusing.

Catherine looked at her and imagined how she would feel. She'd probably laugh at it but would not throw it into someone's face. Overall, Catherine did not feel angry with Alexandra. She discovered a new side of her she did not observed before. She is still a child deep in her heard. At this moment, Catherine considered her being adorable.

\- OK. Stop it. I feel ridiculous right now.

\- I am sorry. I really should not have laughed but this is funny as hell.

Alexandra calmed down and looked at Catherine with innocent eyes of a child who behaved herself bad. Catherine did not know how to support the talk.

\- Do you feel OK now? Happy?

\- I am sorry Professor Stark.

\- You know, I really thought you are a mature person though you are young.

\- Hey, stop throwing it in my face. You are older than me for 6-7 years. You are not so old.

\- 8 years, actually.

\- Whatever. Plus, we all have immaturity deep in our souls.

\- If you are done with your teasing, I would like to go on with discussion of the article.

\- OK. I liked your article. But I hate the part where you analyze and destroy my assumptions.

\- Your assumptions are good but you are so sure that every behavior we have is shaped by society that you do not have a space other alternatives.

\- You think our consciousness is not shaped by the society?

\- Of course not, if it were like that there would not be psychology.

\- Psychology is there to understand what happens to people after they are being under influence of the society. You see the way I see it is we come to the world as authentic human beings. The society we live in kills all the authenticity in us. You, I or anyone else can say we are different. We are distinct. However, we are not. We are all alike accordingly with the community we belong to. There are only a few people on earth who might be different and the reason for them to be different is them rebelling against already established regulations and ethics.

\- You think you are not distinct?

\- No, I am not. I do not have guts to rebel.

\- And you think psychology is there to assist sociology?

\- Not at all. Psychology is there to understand how people react to all the limitations put on them. People's reaction and perception are different. Therefore, some might get those limitations normal whereas some might fell in depression. Some might get suicidal but some might look for help. For example, have you ever read Emile Durkheim's _Suicide_? He analyzed the suicide rates in the late 19th century France and …

Catherine listened to Alexandra carefully. She was well read, smart and self-confident. Those qualities were making her more attractive. Catherine also observed one interesting fact about her. It was so easy and interesting to communicate with her.

\- I have this feeling that my talking bores you.

\- No, not at all. On the contrary, you talk so easy and informative that I wondered about your lectures.

\- You are always welcomed to see me during the classes.

\- I should spare time and pay a visit to one of your courses.

\- The next semester will start soon. You can visit me then. Plus, it will be easier for you.

\- I will definitely do that.

They continued talking about the classes they teach and which scholars they prefer to include in reading list.

In the evening, when Catherine just came home from her meeting she received a text message, "It was great talking to you. Should do it sometime again. Alexandra" Catherine smiled and responded, " Definitely. Thank you for the coffee. Goodnight.". "Goodnight, Professor Stark".

After checking on Ethan and changing her closes, Catherine lay down on her bed. Thinking about her life in New York, her job, Jackie and then Alexandra. She thought about everything happening in her life until both her eyes closed.


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter 8_

Finals period passed quickly for Catherine. The only thing left was evaluating exam papers. She had a brief rest before that, a weekend.

Catherine made all the necessary shopping before weekend to spend time with Ethan. She decided to spend the whole weekend on the sofa watching movies. Ethan laid right next to her watching her with sad eyes. He did not get used to New York and Catherine was powerless to cheer him up. The only thing Catherine could do was petting his head while he laid their motionless.

On Saturday night, Catherine was still trying hard to cheer Ethan when an erotic scene emerged on the TV. Catherine just glanced up and then realized that she cannot take her eyes away. She was so much turned on that she desired to have someone by her side right. It does not matter whom, she would have sex with that person right away.

It was not only about sex. She missed being kissed, touched and hugged. She felt estranged from everyone. She has always been lonely. Yet she always had someone nearby to calm her urges.

The last time she had sex was the last time she saw Jackie. It has been more than two years but since then she could not let anyone near her.

Now she lived in New York and barely knew anyone who she can have sex with. She was specifically interested in sex, not a relationship. All her life she stayed away from being in a relationship and right now when she started rebuilding her life from scratch, she did not need a relationship to held more responsibilities. She thought about the possible solutions. She thought of a one-night stand. But where?

She decided to go to a bar to have a few drinks and meet someone. She checked in internet about the nearest bars. She chose a bar on Cooper Square.

An hour and a half later, Catherine was standing at the bar desk. She ordered a scotch on rocks. Once she got her order, she drank off her drink immediately. She was nervous. She'd better relax. Therefore, she asked for repetition. This time she was sipping slowly. An hour later, she was still standing lonely observing people. A few people made move on her but she ignored them all. She was waiting for someone but she did not know whom she was waiting for.

She took out her smartphone and started writing a SMS: "Are you a drinker?" She pushed send.

She continued watching around. She saw a few good looking girls but they did not even look at her. Of course, Catherine knew it was a straight bar. She wanted to meet women she needed to go to a gay bar. But it was not about girls either. She was waiting for someone. Who? She still did not know.

Just she thought about leaving, she received an SMS: "Whenever it is needed. Inviting me for a drink?"

Catherine typed: "It is a bar on crossroads of Cooper square and 3rd str." Pushed send.

A few seconds later, she received a response: "Stay there. I'm on my way."

She spent half an hour waiting for her invitee. Suddenly she felt someone's hand on her back. She turned around and saw a young brunette with blue eyes looking at her excitingly.

\- Hi.

\- Hey.

\- Relaxing?

\- Trying. Would you like something? My treat.

Alexandra looked at Catherine with interest.

\- How many did you have already?

\- This is the third. What do you want? Vodka?

\- Come on, Professor Stark. Stereotypes? Please don't.

She turned to barman, "I'll have whatever the lady has", and she pointed at Catherine with her head.

\- Lady?

\- You mind?

\- Of course, I do. I said I am older than you but not that much.

Catherine laughed. She felt alcohol taking advantage of her. Alexandra probably sensed it and looked at her with a satisfied look on her face.

\- You know Professor Stark, I have this feeling that I will love your drunken state.

\- Don't get used to it. It happens rarely.

\- If you say so, Professor Stark.

\- By the way, my first name is Catherine.

\- I know.

\- I mean, you can call me, Catherine.

\- Catherine.

Alexandra smiled. When scotch on rocks arrived, she touched Catherine's glass with hers and made a sip. Catherine felt her to come closer to her. She felt their elbows touch.

\- So Catherine. Why are you here? Why are you drinking?

\- Felt tired. Needed to relax.

Alexandra turned her face to Catherine and looked at her carefully. She drank her scotch at one gulp and ordered one more. Catherine also asked for one more glass.

\- You look great. Make up and the way you are dressed says you had been waiting for your date but got ditched at the last minute.

Catherine did not respond.

\- OK. I will not push you. Would you like to talk about something else?

\- Do you date anyone?

Catherine blurted and thought over what she just said. She should not have done that.

-No.

-I'm sorry. It is just... A very personal question. I should not have asked.

Actually, Catherine was not. She was happy to know that Alexandra was single. While Catherine celebrated, she also felt Alexandra to come a little bit closer. Now she almost felt her breath on her lips. Alexandra looked at her tenderly and asked:

-Do you have anyone?

Catherine shook her head. It seemed like music in the background played louder. Alcohol was kicking in strong. She felt Alexandra's hand on her waist. Her hand started to go up to Catherine's back and her lips were surmounting the last distance.

Their lips touched. It was a soft kiss with mutual tender moves of lips. When they stopped kissing, Alexandra turned to barman to take their order. Catherine, on the other hand, was quiet and shocked at the same time. She drank a bit of her scotch to feel encouraged. She looked at Alexandra who slowly was drinking her scotch and thinking about something. Catherine was curious about what Alexandra thinks. Alexandra's hand still on her waist, she felt the hand pulling her closer to herself. Alexandra turned to Catherine and asked:

-You OK?

Catherine did not say anything but nodded. Alexandra put her lips on her cheek still holding her arm nicely squeezing her waist. They were very close and hold on to each other. If someone will see them like this, they would probably think they are dating.

Catherine put her head on Alexandra's shoulder. Alexandra looked at her with a brief smile on her face before Catherine kissed her grabbing her face. This time the kiss was very passionate. Catherine felt Alexandra's tongue in her mouth. She knew she wanted more.

She woke up immediately. She was thankful that it is a dream. It was another nightmare. Her headache made her feel powerless.

She rubbed the temples of her head and then realized two things. First, she did not recognize her bedroom. Second, she felt she is naked. She closed her eyes for a minute to be sure that it is not a dream. Then she opened her eyes and turned around. She saw a woman lying next to her. She slept in an embryo position. Catherine could not see her face. However, the woman's dark hair was enough to understand who she was.


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter 9_

Catherine was astonished. She stayed in the same position long enough to look at sleeping Alexandra and be assured that this is real.

She looked around the room and saw her clothes lay on the floor. Without thinking what will be her next action, she got up and started to collect her belongings. She slowly dressed up. Then she realized that her underwear is missing. She looked around carefully but could not find it. In order to leave without waking up Alexandra, because she does not know how to behave with her, she decided to leave immediately.

Once she was outside, she caught a taxi. On the way home, she tried to remember what happened to her but she could not remember what happened after the second kiss.

At home, she had a shower. Then she poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down to remember what happened last night. She definitely remembered the both kisses. She forced herself to remember the last night and she recalled leaving the bar with Alexandra to commute to her apartment.

She remembered only a few things but most of them were blurry. She also remembered Alexandra holding her while they walked out of the bar.

She enlightened, another scene came to her mind. She laid on the bed naked with Alexandra on top of her. The latter reclined to bed with her right arm, her fingers stroking Catherine's hair. Her left arm was below, she was caressing Catherine's left inner thigh with the tips of her fingers while kissing her neck. Her fingertips were trailing their path up...

Catherine stood up. Remembering that scene turned her on. On one hand, she was satisfied. On the other hand, she was angry with herself. She threw herself on the couch. Laying on her back and looking at the ceiling, she felt her eyes filling with tears.

She supposed to start a new life but she blew it off. She already slept with a colleague. Things will definitely be strange from now on. Especially, after Alexandra will start teaching in the Psychology department. How will she face her? How she will explain to her that their night together supposed to be a one-night stand.

Maybe, Catherine thought for a moment, maybe Alexandra was also looking for a fling, one meaningless sex. After all, she did not look like relationship material or someone with strong intentions. Yes, probably Alexandra will forget about this until their next meeting.

Just Catherine thought about it, she received a text message. "Cherchez la femme." It was Alexandra. Catherine did not expect it. She typed and sent, "what does it mean?" A few minutes later she received a response, "It means, look for the woman. Why did you leave so early?"

Catherine did not know what to answer. She did not even want to answer. Therefore, she ignored the SMS. She believed that way she will get rid of Alexandra's attention.

Close to the evening, her phone started ringing. Alexandra was calling her. Catherine waited a bit. She was analyzing the situation. She will not be able to ignore her all the time. She will face her eventually so she answered and heard a quite serious tone on the line.

-How are you, Catherine?

-I am OK.

-Good. Why did you leave without waking me up?

-Look, I am not feeling well to have this conversation. Let us meet at your favorite coffee place tomorrow and talk. Is it OK?

-Sure. 5pm?

-That sounds good.

The next day, Catherine was getting ready to go to work. She wore her blouse with a wide and deep cut and checked herself in the mirror before leaving. That is when she discovered a violet mark spot right on top of her heart. She touched it and discovered that it is a hickey. She went to her bedroom to change her top.

Catherine paid a visit to her office to read final papers and grade them. Close to 5 pm, she started feeling nervous. She wished not to have this meeting but she could not cancel it on a last minute call. It will look rude and Alexandra does not deserve that.

She decided to go to the coffee shop earlier, have a coffee and think about how she is going to handle the conversation.

While reorganizing her speech holding to her coffee cup with both hands, she heard the door to open and someone to enter. She was not willing to hold her head up.

-Did you start without me?

The familiar voice almost echoed. She did not want to look at her face.

-Are we going to talk like normal people at all?

Catherine looked at her. Alexandra was smiling.

-Do you want something? I will get myself something before sitting down.

-No.

-OK then.

After sitting down with her coffee, Alexandra looked at Catherine with warm in her eyes.

-I do not know how to greet you, to tell the truth. I do not know whether I should kiss you on the cheek, hug you or just say "hello".

-I would be happy if you could help me to recall the last night.

-You were drunk. I was not that drunk but I was not sober either. After exchanging a few sentences we made out at the bar table. Then...

She stopped, looked at Catherine and grinned.

-Well, you know the rest.

-Is there a little chance we did not do it?

-Catherine, if a woman goes into my bed naked, we always do it.

Catherine hid her face in both her hand palms.

-What I understand is you regret it.

Catherine raised her head

-Look, you are great. Beautiful and interesting. However, there is a problem. The reason why I was in that bar yesterday is I needed to find someone for a one-night stand. I am trying to get over someone.

-Why did you text me?

-I could not find anyone in the bar.

Alexandra looked at her curiously.

-Alexandra, I am sorry. Really, I am. It is just, I am getting over this person and I do not look for something serious. I do not want to hurt you but please let us try to forget the last night.

Alexandra looked at Catherine with a stern face. Catherine got scared that she might make a scene out of this. She waited for Alexandra's response impatiently. Alexandra did not wait long before answering.

-I want to understand one thing. Why would you think that I might perceive the last night as a hint for a serious stuff?

Catherine silently looked at her asking for more clarification.

-Look, if I want to have a relationship with a woman, I do not jump at her at the first chance. Besides, of all, I am also getting over someone. Frankly, the last night I wanted to blow some steam.

Catherine did not believe in what she just heard. It is going to be easy to forget about that. There will be no problems.

-Are you OK with it?

-Yes, Catherine.

Catherine felt relief. She instantly became cheerful. A beautiful smile emerged on her face.

-You felt better. I am glad about that.

-I am sorry. I thought it will be uncomfortable but now I feel relaxed. How are you, by the way?

-Good, thanks.

-I hope we can remain friendly.

-Of course.

Alexandra smiled.

-But there is one thing that bothers me. What am I supposes to do with your underwear you left at my place?

Catherine's eyes widened. She looked directly at Alexandra. Alexandra, on the other hand, looked very calm. Then she burst into laughter. She laughed like an innocent child, from her heart and a lot. Catherine watched her with an open mouse and wide eyes.

-Sorry, Catherine. But I should get the best of it. This is the price you pay for sleeping with me. I am going to tease you a lot.

Catherine closed her eyes for a bit and said to her:

-You are like a high schooler. I really thought you are mature.

-Oh, come on. You are going to love it. I should get going, Catherine. I should get my luggage ready.

-Are you going somewhere?

-Yes, I decided to visit Italy and France before the semester starts.

-Business trip?

-No, leisure.

-Have a safe flight and trip then.

-Thanks. See you at the department. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, btw.

-Thanks, you too.

Catherine smiled. Alexandra got up, came closer and kissed her on the right cheek.

-Bye, Catherine.

Then she moved to the door with quick and determined steps. Catherine looked at her from behind. She did not like her to leave but she could not do anything about it.


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter 10_

Catherine spent holidays alone in the company of Ethan. It was not unusual. This was something she got used to. This was her comfort zone.

She was waiting impatiently for the classes to start. That way she would return to her normal course of life. Staying at home was very boring. She felt miserable. She wished to have someone who she can meet.

One day, she decided to take Ethan for a walk to Chelsea. It was an unusual route for them but Catherine wanted to discover new locations. They were walking on the street and looking at little shops situated on the street. She bought a few accessories for her apartment. Then she walked with Ethan until she spotted a bookstore with a coffee bar. She went in, ordered a coffee and bought a cookie, which she immediately gave to Ethan. Ethan wagged his tail, which indicated that he was happy to have it. Catherine laughed looking at him. She put her bags on a chair at a table in the corner. While her order was getting ready, she looked through shelves to see whether there is something interesting. Barista called her name and she turned at him. Then something made her turn again to the shelf she was looking before she turned. She saw a book with a white cover and a photo on the cover. In the photo, there was a motorcycle and mountains in the background. Below the picture, she read "Memoirs of a Stranger" "a series of notes by Alexandra Slonim".

Without thinking much, Catherine took the book and her order and sat down. She looked at the book cover long enough. She opened the book. At the first page in italic, there was a writing: "To an incredible woman who shared every single precious moment with me, Cecile".

Catherine felt a little bit saltiness in her stomach. She felt jealous. There was a woman who shared incredible moments with Alexandra. Probably, this is the woman she is getting over.

Catherine felt angry with herself. Why the hell would she feel jealous? They had one meaningless night together. That is it and there will be nothing like that anymore. However, she continued to feel jealous. She could not help it. Over the people who she dated in the past, never ever someone dedicated anything to her.

She started scanning the pages of the book. There were interesting photos and Alexandra took all of them. Apparently, she was a photographer. Her photos were great, deep and meaningful.

Catherine started to recall her talks with Alexandra. She never thought of her as someone artistic. To Catherine she was more adventurous and wild type rather than someone who would write a book and shoot photos.

One photo especially caught her attention. It was taken in a village in Sicily. Two women were kissing while sitting at the table in a cafe. A group of old and conservatively dressed men passing by cafe stared at them.

She drank some of her coffee and continued to read the book. The book was an easy read book. Alexandra shared her memories and stories she encountered while traveling and used well-known scholars to support her hypothesis or to ruin theirs.

Catherine bought the book on her way out of the bookstore.

The next few days, before classes started, she finished reading the book. Catherine was curious about Alexandra more than ever. She looked forward to seeing her again because she discovered the other side of Alexandra she never sensed before. Now she felt Alexandra being more philosophical, artistic and romantic. She felt Alexandra being a kind of person she would always feel great to spend time. She really hoped they could be friends. If only she could go back in time and prevent herself from sleeping with Alexandra. She tried to remember their night together but she could not remember everything. However, the night was what she needed for herself. Alexandra was an experienced lover. She is not a type who has many girlfriends. The last time they talked, she said she is getting over someone. Probably, it is the girl she mentioned in her book. "Why did they break up?" Catherine wondered.

On the first day of the academic semester, Catherine rushed to the school. She could not tell whether it was due to her impatience about teaching or her desire to see Alexandra.

She had two classes, which she ended quickly since they were introductory. She was wondering around department building to meet staff members. She met Janette and Smith. They were discussing the semester.

-How are you, dear?

Professor Smith asked. Catherine told her she is OK and asked about their well-being. Then she told them about the courses she is going to teach. They were talking about their winter break and families, which made Catherine uncomfortable. Smith sensed that and tried to change the subject to something else whereas Janette was very persistent. She turned to Catherine:

-You are so beautiful. I cannot believe you are still single.

Catherine responded with a brief smile that almost meant, "Stop it. Don't go further". Nevertheless, Janette preferred to go on. She blabbered about how Catherine should invest more time in her personal life because one day it will be too late and she will regret it. Professor Smith, a woman in her mid-50s, felt emphatic for Catherine and interfered.

-Janette, dear, I think we should let everyone to have their personal space, right?

-Of course. Catherine, I hope I did not hurt you in any way. It is just… I wanted to help.

-It is OK. I get that a lot.

Catherine smiled though she did not mean it. Then she excused herself and left them. When she was walking away, she heard Janette asking Smith, "Slonim is not back, right?"

The same evening, at home, Catherine thought about the encounter with Janette. It was not the first time someone tried to teach her about taking care of her personal life. She had that back in Bloomington. Teaching stuff and people she would meet at various events would try to introduce her to potential candidates for marriage. Usually, they would try to introduce her to someone handsome from the middle class. Therefore, she was popular among her same ages from opposite sex. Although she always received requests for a date, she always rejected.

Only once, she decided to go forward in order to repel Jackie from herself and invited one of them over to her house. Michael was always interested in Catherine, so when she invited him over he did not hesitate a second. Once they were upstairs, Catherine could not get rid of him since she was the one to bring him all the way up there. Besides, he saw Jackie and she did not want to grow suspicions. She slept with him to calm him down. During sex, she did not feel anything but was disgusted by herself in the morning.

Now sitting on her couch, she remembered the details of that night and was once again irked by herself. She would never do that again.

The next day she forced herself to go to school. Though she had classes, she did not want to attend them. She was not sure whether it was due to Janette's talk or Alexandra's absence. When she checked her email box, she saw a reminder about department meeting after classes. She finished her classes and decided to wait until the last moment to go to the meeting. That way, she will not talk to anyone before the meeting starts. Once the meeting started and professor Walters greeted everyone, the door opened. Catherine looked at that direction. She froze for a short time and then a smile emerged on her face stressing her dimples.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Catherine could not stop smiling though she knew she might get the attention of other people. Alexandra was standing at the door wearing the same turtleneck sweater, black leather jacket and holding a helmet. Catherine noticed her being a little bit tanned. She still looked beautiful.

Professor Walters was happy no less than Catherine. He stood up and greeted Alexandra. Everyone was staring at her. Once Walters sat down and started the meeting, Catherine saw Alexandra to choose a sit at the far corner of the room, away from everyone else. She sat down and put her helmet on her knees. Then she looked up and caught Catherine's sight on herself. They smiled at each other.

The meeting was long and Catherine wanted it to end as quickly as possible, so she could talk to Alexandra. Nevertheless, as it happens in such situations, time almost stopped, and not in a good way.

After an hour and a half, Walters stood up. Thanked everyone and asked Alexandra aloud:

-Professor Slonim, would you like to add something? You were quiet today.

Alexandra looked unhappy. Apparently, she did not want to talk in front all these people. She stood up and said with a calm and shy tone of voice.

-First of all, I would like to thank you, Professor Walters, for letting me join your department. Secondly, I hope this semester will be great for all of the students, and us of course. At last, I am happy to be here and right now I will make myself busy to warm up to your department, and if I come up with an idea, I will certainly share it with you all.

Everyone around nodded, as they are happy with everything she said.

People did not leave immediately. They stayed a little bit longer to greet Alexandra and introduce themselves to her. Catherine waited outside, by the door. When almost everyone left, she saw a tall and dark figure leaving the room. Catherine called behind her.

-Nice tan.

Alexandra turned with a foxy smile.

-I think this way it is better. Otherwise, I looked like a vampire.

-You look great in whatever way you are.

Catherine blurted out. She immediately blushed realizing she should not have said that. Probably, Alexandra understood it. She did not say anything but smiled at her in an adorable manner.

-How was your vacation?

-Nice. Calm and relaxing. The way I like it. How was your trip?

-Great. I was in solitude by the beach. Sun was bright and shiny. Sea was warm and relaxing. Plus, I had a book to read. More than enough for me.

-Was it in Italy or France?

-Sicily, Italy.

-You did not visit France then.

-I did. I had to… I mean, I really wanted to.

Catherine witnessed a sudden change in Alexandra's demeanor. Suddenly, she became sad and looked like she wanted to end the conversation. Thinking that her trip to France was not so pleasant, she decided to change the subject.

\- While you were on your trip, I decided to learn more about you.

Alexandra smiled cunningly before replying:

\- Don't you think you should have done it before sleeping with me?

Catherine looked right into her eyes and rolled her eyes as if she is bored. Then she laughed and Alexandra joined her.

\- Though I think jokes of yours are immature, this one was a good one. What I wanted to say was, I bought your book. Quite an interesting material.

-You should not have done it. I could give you one. You only needed to mention.

-It is not a big deal. Besides, I will need you to sign it.

Catherine smiled at Alexandra. Alexandra smiled back, saying: "With a pleasure".

One they were on parking slot, Catherine looked at the only bike nearby.

-Familiar bike.

Alexandra smiled.

-I can give you a ride sometime. If only you wish.

-No, thanks. I am too much of a coward for it.

-You never try, you never know.

Catherine smiled and said she is glad to see her again. They finalized their talk and parted ways. Catherine in her car looked at the rare mirror the same way she did the first day they met. Alexandra was sitting on her bike and wearing her helmet. Then, suddenly, she turned back and looked at Catherine's car. Catherine waited for a few seconds and then turned on the engine and moved the car.


	12. Chapter 12

The semester became more interesting as Alexandra came back from Europe. Catherine enjoyed going to work each day. She even started having lunches with her colleagues again.

She also met Alexandra a few times and they had coffee during breaks. Every time they would drink coffee, they would talk on various issues, which helped Catherine to know Alexandra more. She definitely was the most interesting staff member of the department. Spending time with her was enjoyable.

One day, Catherine wanted to invite her for a coffee and decided not to wait until Alexandra finishes her class. She entered the lecture hall from the back door not to catch anyone's attention. This was also her chance to see her during the action.

Once she was inside and sat down on the last row seat where only a few students were sitting. She looked at the hall and saw that it was almost full. These many students are certainly too much for just a course.

Alexandra had already begun lecturing. Everyone listened to her.

-... Of course, it is very difficult to stay objective while you are conducting a qualitative research but you should try to stop occasionally during your conversation in order to remind yourself about your original intentions. Believe me, this is not only about qualitative research. That is why many doctors do not interact with their patients. Have you ever watched Daens? That is a great movie. Not only you will learn more about industrial age but also you will see what happens if you mix your job and feelings. Eventually, you will forget about your aim. The same can be said about the movie called The Last Samurai. If you want to know more about using your skills perfectly to learn more about a culture, please make sure you read Ruth Benedict's the Chrysanthemum and the Sword. Please relax, I will not ask questions about it during exams.

Everyone sighed in relief whereas a large smile appeared on Alexandra's face.

-You see, I was a student like you and I know about the all curses students make for a teacher. Knowing that I am afraid to give you more material than the ones assigned in our curriculum. These are just to broaden your outlook.

As everyone laughed and smiled, Catherine was listening and watching carefully. Alexandra was walking from one side to another. Her body language was perfect. When she was listing movies, books, articles and scholars, she would rush to the board and write on it the names and titles. She was like a walking encyclopedia and she really was passionate about passing her knowledge to other people.

The class ended. Alexandra said she could take questions if anyone has one. Some of the students rushed towards her and some started to leave.

Catherine sat back in her chair to be more comfortable. Once she relaxed a little bit she heard the students on the other side of the row.

-Dude, I told you she is hot.

-You are right. I should have listened to you before. Do you think she is dating anyone?

-Like if she is not, you are going to try your luck?

-Why not?

-You idiot... students and teaching staff are not allowed to date.

-She is not in this department.

-You are such a genius. She is still a teacher at the school.

The girl sitting with them interrupted both her friends.

-Even if it was allowed, I do not think you would have a luck with her.

-And why is that?

-Guys, she is way out of your league. I bet she is dating hot, adventurous and smart guys.

Catherine listened to them. She wondered whether there was anyone talking about her like that. Once there were a few students left, Catherine came closer to Alexandra.

-Hello there. Coffee?

-Would be great. Where did you come from?

-I was in the back row listening to your lecture.

Alexandra looked at her surprised.

-Why did you not inform about visiting my class? I could have reserved you a seat in the first rows.

-No need. I enjoyed the lecture anyway. You are good at what you do. I was fascinated by your teaching techniques.

They started to move and left the lecture hall.

-I really thought that you might have difficulties in making students listen to you due to you being young. However, they love listening to you. By the way, are all of those students registered for your course?

-No. Only 100 students. I let the other ones just join the lecture if they are so interested.

-That is so generous of you.

-Well, there is nothing wrong with sharing your experience and knowledge with others.

-You are right.

Catherine smiled. They were near the cafeteria. Once they got their coffees, Catherine insisted on paying.

They sat down on a bench.

-Hope you do not mind.

Alexandra pulled a cigarette.

-If you are OK to poison yourself, why should I care?

Alexandra smiled and lit the cigarette.

-An interesting thing happened when you finished your lecture.

-Don't tell me it was so boring that you cheered once it was finished.

Catherine laughed.

-No. Not that. A few students were talking about you. I heard them being very affectionate by you. One of them is even interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

-Really?

Alexandra smiled with a satisfied look on her face.

-What can I say? I still got it.

-Doesn't it bother you?

-Why should it? I am flattered. Would that make you uncomfortable?

-Well, yes. Those are students.

Catherine sipped her coffee and turned her face in the other direction to avoid looking at Alexandra's face.

-Please, Catherine. Do not tell me you are against teacher and student relationship.

-Are you not?

-Well, I do not say it is right. There should be some boundaries but if it happens, there is not such a big deal about it. Sometimes older and experienced people easily affect young people. I, for example, was in love with my History teacher back at high school. I was so obsessed with her. Once, I saw her leaving the school with her husband. That night, I cried myself to sleep.

Catherine looked at Alexandra. She shared this very intimate experience with her. Catherine felt an urge to do the same for the sake of reciprocity but she could not. If Alexandra's sincerity made her look adorable, Catherine's would be worse than that.

-I guess you might be right.

They smiled at each other and continued to drink their coffees.


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13_

Catherine was rushing to the class. Going through a long hall with students hustling, she was feeling uneasy. At this uncomfortable moment, she saw someone tall moving slowly in front of her and block her way. She wanted to say something could not since she did not see the face of the person. Once she looked at the figure more careful, she realized it to be Alexandra. She rushed to catch her.

-Hey! Why are you moving like a turtle?

Alexandra looked at her. She was sad. It was as if she did not expect and was upset to see Catherine at that moment.

-What is wrong?

-Sorry. It is just.

She looked at her hands. Catherine saw her holding a camera. It was badly damaged.

-Oh. I'm sorry. What happened?

-I was driving on my motorcycle and apparently, forgot to zip pocket of my backpack.

Alexandra's voice was very down. Catherine never saw her like that. She always looked sharp, witty and charming. Catherine would never believe that Alexandra can be so upset just because of a thing.

-I think you can find a master to fix it.

-Hardly. It is seriously damaged. Probably it will end up on my bookshelf as a souvenir.

-Then you will buy yourself a new one. What is the deal with it? I think you can afford one.

-I can.

Catherine saw her eyes almost filled with water.

-This one was a gift and I have so many memories attached to it.

Catherine hushed. She did not know what to say. She walked by Alexandra's side. She wanted to cheer her up but did not know to say or do.

-Look, if you are interested, we can go for a drink later.

Alexandra looked at her with a strange look on her face. Catherine could not read it. Either Alexandra was confused or disgusted by this offer.

-Did you forget what happened the last time we were out to have a drink?

Oh, she is confused, Catherine thought to herself in relief. Then she tried to play the way Alexandra always did.

-Like you did not like it…

Catherine smirked hoping to make Alexandra at least smile.

-I liked it. It was you, who was frustrated afterward.

A sad smile appeared on Alexandra's face. Then her facial expression changed.

-I am sorry, Catherine. I am not in a mood for …

She tried to express herself with a gesture but stopped. Apparently, she could not go on.

-I will go to my class. See you soon.

Catherine looked behind her while she entered one of the lecture halls.

In the evening, at home, Catherine thought about her encounter with Alexandra. What happened there? In a few minutes of talking, she saw emotional side of Alexandra, which she had never seen before. Moreover, trying to flirt with Alexandra also did not work. She backed off immediately. She was definitely not happy with this. Therefore, she decided to walk away from Alexandra for some time. Probably, that would give her time to elaborate on her feelings and maybe Alexandra will feel better.

A few days passed and Catherine spared her time in the department between classes and her administrative tasks in the office.

One time, when Catherine was leaving her office to go home she came across Janette. She was not thrilled by seeing her since she tried to skip conversations with the department staff recently. In addition, Janette was the last one she wanted to speak.

-How are you, Catherine?

Catherine smiled back at her trying to look natural as possible.

-Fine. How are you?

-Also, fine. So… How is your friend? She has been delaying her classes lately.

-Whom do you mean?

-Slonim, of course. Is she sick or something? Walters is worried about her.

-I don't know. Doesn't she come to the school?

-No. I thought you already knew that.

-How should I know?

-Well, I have seen you spending time together. Thought you might be close friends since she communicates only with you. With us, she talks briefly and leaves.

-She is a little bit introverted person. Probably, that is why. We talk from time to time but we are not that close.

-OK. Well, hope she will get back soon. I just wonder whether she is sick or is it her trick since she is such a star.

As soon as Janette turned her back, Catherine rolled her eyes. No wonder Alexandra avoids talking to you, Catherine thought to herself.

The next week while sitting in her office, Catherine heard someone knocking on the door. "Come in", she said with a loud voice.

The door opened. Someone came inside and shut the door. Catherine picked up at the visitor. Alexandra was charming her with a wide smile. She pushed her back to the door while holding two cups.

-Sudden career change. From now on, I am a coffee courier.

Catherine smiled though she tried hard in order not to. She wanted to play hard to get and Alexandra owed her that. Alexandra held her one of the cups.

-How have you been? They say you skipped your classes.

-I needed to relax. I was not feeling well.

-How is your camera?

-Like I said, it went as a souvenir to my shelf. I ordered a new one.

-I am sorry.

-That's OK. What did you do in my absence?

-Nothing special. Work-home mode was on and it still is.

Catherine responded short and quick.

-Is that the reason why you talk to me as if you would like to avoid me? If it is, I can leave. Just say it.

Catherine did not want her to leave.

-No. I'm just tired and stressed. I am glad to see you again, in fact.

-I want to admit. I missed you.

Alexandra was looking directly into Catherine's eyes. Catherine sipped her coffee and turned to her papers trying to avoid the eye contact. She heard the sound of the lock. She turned to Alexandra and saw her come closer. She bent towards her and put both hands on armrests of the chair Catherine was sitting on.

-I would like to help you to get rid of stress.

She moved her hands from armrest to Catherine's thighs and started moving Catherine's skirt up. Then she reached underneath of her skirt and started pulling her tights and underwear down. She was doing it slowly but Catherine could not resist or think at that moment. Her lips were slightly touching Alexandra's lips.

Before Catherine could say anything, Alexandra's head was resting on Catherine's lap. Catherine surrendered. She relaxed and put her right hand on Alexandra's back of the head while her left hand was squeezing armrest of the chair.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14_

Catherine entered the class. She was all flustered and she was late for 10 minutes already. She needed to relax and take a steady breath. Everyone was looking at her carefully and she did not know what to say. She finally broke the silence:

-Sorry for me being late. Let us have a pop-quiz for extra 5 points. Please choose one of our already discussed topics and summarize your knowledge about it. You have 10 minutes.

While everybody was busy filling in papers. Catherine sat down at the desk. She was very anxious. She started to calm herself down. She remembered that she left Alexandra in the room. Once she recalled about her afternoon class she left the room without saying anything. Besides, what could she say? She did not understand what even happened in the room.

After she was done with the class, she returned to her office and discovered an empty room. She looked around. She saw the chair she was sitting while Alexandra... Catherine sat down. Thought a bit. They were flirtatious with Alexandra but she thought that was it. What is going on between them? She mentally tortured herself for a while and then decided to go home.

Catherine left the room and moved to her parking space. Once she opened the door of her car, someone with a low but determined voice asked:

-Where have you been?

Since Catherine did not expect it, she turned around in a rush and shock. Alexandra was standing very close to her.

-What the hell! Don't you sneak on me like that!

Catherine hissed at her.

-I am sorry. It is just... you left without saying anything.

Alexandra seemed surprised at Catherine's anger.

-What did you expect me to say? And, before answering that question, please tell what the hell happened in the office?

-Do you always ask that question after an orgasm? Because believe me, that is not the best way to say thank you.

-Thank you? For what?

-Wow! You are quite ungrateful. For pleasure, you had in the office.

Alexandra was once more flirtatious, seemed casual like nothing happened. This made Catherine even angrier.

-Oh, come on! No one asked you to do that.

-Maybe not verbally but...

-Could you just shut up and take me seriously?

Catherine put her right hand on her forehead and closed her eyes for a few seconds. She wished she never had this moment but it was unavoidable. She did not even know what to say. Her thoughts were disorganized.

-Coffee maybe?

Alexandra said it softly as if she was afraid of Catherine's reaction. Catherine looked at her and saw a puzzled face.

-I think it will be better to have a cup of coffee in a place where we can calmly talk without being interrupted or feeling uncomfortable.

Catherine did not say anything but nodded.

-Also, I think it will be better if I will drive you. Do you agree?

Catherine nodded once more and closed the door of her car. She followed Alexandra. They stopped across a metallic Mercedes-Benz. When they were inside of the car, Alexandra turned to look at Catherine as if to check whether she is OK.

-Do not forget to fasten your seatbelt.

The car started moving slowly. Alexandra focused on the road while Catherine watched the road. Why did she leave with Alexandra? It is not like they are going to solve anything. They tried to solve it once but apparently, they failed. What is she supposed to say now? What are they going to discuss? Just she tried to build a script in her head, the car stopped. She looked around to check whether they have arrived. Alexandra unfastening her seatbelt and the sight of familiar coffee shop assured they are on the spot.

She left the car and went straight inside. Once she entered, she remembered that she did not wait for Alexandra but she did not feel guilty. She sat down at one of the empty tables in a far away corner. Alexandra did not join her immediately. She went to the barista. Catherine did not see her. A few minutes later, Alexandra sat down at the table with two cups of coffee.

She looked at Catherine with an impression of a child who is lost. After looking around and at each other for a few minutes, Alexandra started the conversation.

-Look, Catherine...

Catherine looked at her. Alexandra looked as if she knows that she is guilty.

-Apparently, I have underestimated my people skills. I don't know why but I thought that... You know, we were flirtatious and I thought that we could hang out sometimes. Since you and I are going through stuff, I thought you would be OK with that. I would never have thought that it might upset you somehow. I wish I could understand it before and would not jeopardize our friendly relationship. I am really sorry.

She stopped and looked down. By her look and voice Catherine could tell that she feels terrible. Maybe she is right. She was always flirtatious and Catherine repaid the same in like form. She might confuse this and think of something else. At this very moment, Catherine did not know what to say.

-From now on, I think it would be better if we focus on our jobs.

Catherine did not say anything. Alexandra took it as a confirming sign. She sipped her coffee and joined the silence. They sat at the table about a half an hour. Once Alexandra finished her coffee she kindly offered Catherine a drive till school parking. Catherine did not say anything but again nodded.


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15_

Alexandra stopped the car next to Catherine's. There was a silence. Catherine gazed at Alexandra. Her hands were on the wheel. She was holding it tight with both hands. Catherine did not know what to say and Alexandra apparently wanted her to speak. After all, she did most of the talking that day.

Without saying anything, Catherine opened the door and left the car. However, she went back again and closed the door.

-You are right. We were flirtatious. I can disagree all I want but it will not be right. I kind of think of you as an attractive woman but part of me going through stuff says to me to stay away from you. Therefore, I may flirt with you or be extra friendly but I do not want anything to happen that might lead us to weird places where we will not be comfortable around each other. I don't know what to do. It is very difficult.

Alexandra looked at her.

-The same is with me.

-Then why the hell did you... You know. The first time, it was our mutual mistake but today.

-I have urges.

Alexandra explained briefly. Catherine laughed at her with a nervous tone.

-What?! That's it?! Is that your explanation?

-You are a psychologist. You should understand me. I find you attractive and sometimes... Actually, most of the time I find you irresistible. I don't know whether it is due to me being lonely for a long time or it is you seducing me professionally.

Alexandra smiled sadly. Catherine laughed again and shook her head.

-I never tried to seduce you.

Silence emerged again.

-Is she the one you devoted your book to?

Catherine looked at her left. Alexandra's head was down. She did not answer but nodded.

-What happened?

After a short pause, Alexandra said with a breaking voice.

-She died. A few years ago.

Catherine did not expect it coming.

-I'm sorry.

This time pause lasted longer. Alexandra kept quiet. Catherine nervously scratched her coat.

She did not know what to say or do. The silence felt like an eternity to her and she decided to break it.

-You said we could hang out sometimes. Can I ask you what did you mean by that?

Alexandra was surprised by this question. She looked at Catherine with a puzzled face.

-I am not sure you are going to like it.

-Share with me your thoughts and I will decide whether they are OK or not.

-Well, since we are friendly and we have already slept together, I thought we might do it again sometimes.

While saying it, Alexandra avoided eye contact with Catherine. After saying it, she turned her face to Catherine and saw a mixture of intimidating smile and insult.

-You had a great plan there. The only problem is why you would think that I would say yes to it.

-I never thought of you being OK with it. I thought you might be interested. That is the reason I never dared to ask you about it.

-OK. Where did you come up with the idea that I might be interested?

-You said you are going through a breakup. I thought it has been a while since you had an action. This led me to the opinion that you are also looking for calming your urges. I also noticed that you are interested in spending more time with me, which also means you might like me. Thinking about it all, I thought you might be interested.

Alexandra said it all fast and as she planned this talk beforehand.

Catherine looked at her with an astonished face. She did not rush to respond. It was as if Alexandra gave it lots of thoughts and there was no other argument against it.

-You are asking me to be your fuck buddy.

-No, I am not. I just thought about us being friends with benefits. I never asked and I hate that "fuck buddy" thing.

Alexandra looked irritated.

Catherine turned her face away. She liked Alexandra and she needed someone by her side to calm her basic needs. At the same time, she did not want to have awkward scenes at the university.

-OK, smarty-pants. What if it gets awkward? How will you manage it?

-There is nothing to manage, Catherine. We are two mature adults. We could stop it and end it. Plus, no awkward situations if there is no relationship. This is strictly business.

Alexandra responding so quick and with confidence, made Catherine seriously interested in the issue.

-You are thinking about it.

Catherine looked at Alexandra and saw her smiling.

-I need more to agree on that.

Catherine said with a brief smile. She wanted to play hard to get. Alexandra's response did not make itself wait for long.

-I am a tender lover.

After a short pause, they both burst into laughter.


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter 16_

Catherine finished the classes and went to her office. After drumming with her nails on the table, she took her phone and texted, "Are you free tonight?"

She put her phone on the table in front of herself. She stared at it waiting for it to buzz and it did.

"Tonight is the night?"

Alexandra being very playful sometimes annoyed Catherine. Especially, during this kind of important moments. She wanted to text her back but before she wrote anything, she received a text message. "I have a few things to be done. It will be no earlier than 8:00 pm. Is it OK for you?"

Catherine thought about it. Maybe this is a chance to delay it but she did not want to. "It is OK. I'll be waiting for you at my place". A few minutes later she received "Which one do you prefer red wine or rose?" Catherine texted while smiling, "Red". She immediately received a response, "Please send me your address". Catherine responded accordingly and put her phone down.

She ordered dinner that evening but barely touched it. She was nervous. It was as if she is getting ready for the first date with someone special. "It is not like we are doing it for the first time," she said aloud to calm herself. "On the other hand," she thought again, "the first time does not count since we were drunk. I barely remember anything". "The second time, I did not even do anything". It was so complicated. Catherine was not used to it. She missed the times when she was in charge.

It was 8:00 pm but no one buzzed the doorbell. Catherine walked from one side of the room to the other. "She is getting 10 minutes late," Catherine thought angrily. She sat down on her couch and took the book on the coffee table, and she heard the doorbell buzz. Catherine opened the door after she checked whether it is Alexandra.

-Nice place you have.

Alexandra did not rush to come in. Apparently, she wanted Catherine's approval. Catherine froze. She was looking at her. Then, realizing she should invite her, asked her to come in.

-Thank you. I still cannot get used to it. It is small comparing to my house in Bloomington.

-That house of yours... Did you buy it?

-No, I inherited it.

-I see. I brought wine. I really hope you can differentiate between a good and a bad wine.

Alexandra looked at Catherine with begging eyes. Catherine laughed taking the bottle from Alexandra.

-Oh, I know how a good wine should taste.

-Then, you will definitely like this one.

-What a self-confidence!

Alexandra smiled in response.

-I was worried that you are a scotch lover. Plus, while going to someone's place the first time you do not bring a bottle of scotch. Does not look so good.

-If I drank scotch in front of you, it does not mean I drink scotch on regular basis.

-It is not about seeing you drink scotch. It is about the way you consume it. You literally inhaled it.

While Alexandra was talking, Catherine left the room and reappeared from the kitchen with two glasses and a corkscrew.

-I was busy getting drunk. That does not happen a lot.

Catherine demonstratively smirked looking at Alexandra.

-I will be happy to see you again like that.

-That will be difficult to arrange.

Catherine opened the bottle and poured wine for both. They sat down on the couch. Catherine tasted the wine.

-This is really good. Haven't drink something like this for a long time.

-I am glad you like it. It means you can appreciate a good wine.

Ethan came into the room and seeing someone unfamiliar locked his eyes on Alexandra.

-It is so sweet. Does it have a name?

-Yes. Alexandra this is Ethan, my comrade for life.

Catherine introduced Ethan with a demonstrative tone. Alexandra stood up and bent down on one knee.

-Hey, Ethan. Nice to meet you. Give me your paw.

Ethan did so and Alexandra shook his paw. While she was interacting with Ethan, Catherine checked her from behind. She wore a shirt and skinny jeans, which emphasized her body structure. She broke her gaze as soon as Alexandra returned to the couch.

-I love dogs. When I was a child, I begged my mother all the time to buy me a puppy. One of my unrealized childhood dreams.

-You can have it now.

-Having a dog is a huge responsibility and I spend most of my time out of the apartment. As I said before, I love dogs. Therefore, I do not want to torture them.

Catherine looked at Alexandra with a kind and understanding look. They continued to drink the wine. Neither of them talked.

-So, who is going to initiate this?

Alexandra broke the silence. Catherine realized her being also excited. Catherine did not say anything. Alexandra asked another question.

-Probably, I should be the one, right? After all, you do not strike me as someone who leads in bed.

Catherine felt offended.

-What?! I am always the dominating one.

Alexandra looked at her with a confused face. She definitely did not believe her.

-Sorry if I offended you. The experiences we had do not say so.

Catherine could not say anything. She was right. After everything she went through with Jackie, her confidence was pretty shaken up. Thinking about how weak she became, she got angry. She had to gain her toughness back.

Catherine put her glass on the coffee table and leaned toward Alexandra. She put her hands around her waist, pulled her to herself and kissed her without hesitation. The kiss was not a tender one. She was angry, angry about how weak she became, how she cannot keep up with youngsters anymore. She kissed her aggressively. She wanted to apply all her anger on her. She wanted to prove her how tough she is. Alexandra put her hands on her back trying to hold her but she did not let this happen. She pushed her hands away and started unbuttoning her shirt. The couch was not so comfortable and Catherine stood up to pull Alexandra to her bedroom. On the way to the bedroom, she continued kissing her lips and neck. Once they were inside of the room, she pushed her to the bed and climbed up on her. Then, she froze. Alexandra looking at her with expectations asked, "What are you waiting for? Are you going to do it or not?" DEJAVU.

Catherine could not move. This very moment was like a barrier. It felt like if she passes it, everything will be different. Something was stopping her from doing it. Should she listen to her guts?

She put her hand on Alexandra's cheek. "Sorry", she said kindly and kissed her slowly, tender as if she was making it up to her.

They were moving intensively. They were rushing. It was like a competition on who is going to please the other first. In the middle, Alexandra was able to pull over Catherine and got on top. Catherine felt every single of her touches. It was like her fingertips were burning her skin while her lips were caressing her neck.

"Look into my eyes", Alexandra whispered and Catherine did. She looked into her blue eyes and saw her pupils dilating.


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter 17_

Catherine woke up to a sound of rustle. She looked around and saw Alexandra's back. She wore her bra and was putting on her shirt. This scene only was enough for Catherine to get turn on again. Alexandra turned around while buttoning her shirt. She looked at Catherine with a happy smile.

-Thought you will not wake up and decided to leave without saying goodbye.

-Sorry for ruining your plan.

-This way it is even better.

-What time is it?

-Almost 11 pm.

Catherine's brows lifted. She did not expect it to be so late. It was like only an hour ago Alexandra came to her house.

-It was a great evening.

Alexandra broke the silence. Catherine smiled.

-It was.

Alexandra came closer to her and bent over. She kissed her forehead by just putting her lips on it tenderly. Catherine felt all the warmness of her lips. She liked it.

-Thank you, Catherine. See you later.

-Bye.

It was only thing Catherine could throw through her lips.

Alexandra left. Catherine laid back on her bed. She was thinking about the night, about the great sex she just had. She did not have something like that for a long time. In fact, when was the last time she had this kind of good sex?

Here it almost banged her in the head. Jackie. It was Jackie she had sex the last time. Wow. Maybe that was the reason why she hesitated to make the first move. She felt ashamed. All her satisfaction was forgotten. Now, she was thinking about Jackie only. Why? Probably Jackie already has a partner or hangs out with other people. It is not like she is going to wait for her or something. But what if Jackie really is waiting for her. Maybe she does not go out with other people because she thinks about her as Catherine thinks about her.

Catherine continued to think and slowly closed her eyes after devastating herself into sleep.

In the morning, Catherine had a shower and checked herself in the mirror. She had a bruise on a spot where her neck connected her shoulder. She looked at it and laughed. She needed to cover it. She stopped her choice on a silk scarf that was supposed to help her that day.

After parking her car, she headed to the class. On the way to the lecture hall, someone pulled her shoulder.

-Hey, beauty...

-What the hell?

Alexandra was shining and her wide smile softened Catherine.

-Sorry for scaring you. I wanted to ask how you are doing.

-Fine, thanks. You?

Catherine felt a little uncomfortable. She did not want to discuss intimate stuff right now.

-Nice scarf. I never thought of you as a scarf person.

-Well, I am not.

Catherine smiled but Alexandra was confused. Catherine decided to use this against her.

-What is wrong with you? Are you deliberately putting hickeys or are you an amateur?

Alexandra flashed an "oops" face.

-I'm sorry. I don't know how I am doing it. It is something I could not learn to control.

-Well, train yourself. I can't walk with scarfs all the time. Moreover, the summer is coming.

-I'll try.

Alexandra smiled shyly. They began walking together.

-You know, I look forward to the next time.

Catherine looked at her with a stern face. As soon as she saw Alexandra's innocent look at her, her heart melted.

-Are you a needy person? If yes, we are going to have problems.

-I am not needy. The last night was amazing. I can't take it out of my head.

They both stopped for a while. Looked at each other and Catherine thought that Alexandra is perhaps more sincere than she is. Catherine felt responsibility for her. Maybe the first time, in her life, she was OK in putting someone else's feelings forward.

-That night was amazing. You are also amazing. But let's talk about it later, OK?

-Alright.

They walked a bit and Catherine headed to the lecture hall after saying, "see you" to Alexandra. However, she did not rush to enter the hall. She stopped at the entrance and looked at Alexandra moving away.


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter 18_

They were meeting twice a week and making each other happy. Their times together were a mixture of pleasure and intimacy. After sex, they would usually admit the most personal stuff to each other. Hold each other, listen and understand. Then Alexandra would put on her clothes and leave.

This kind of arrangement made Catherine happy though she was aware that her feelings for Alexandra are getting stronger by each day.

Besides their intimate nights, they were also meeting in the school for a coffee or lunch. However, those were the times they would only stick to business. Nothing else but only work would be the subject of discussion.

During their special nights, on the other hand, work related themes were off-limits. They would drink wine, have sex and talk about life.

On an April night, after a steamy sex, they were laying on the bed and Catherine said:

-So, now what? What should we talk about this time?

-I wonder about your first time.

Alexandra climbed on her and faced her with a broad smile.

-First time ever? Or first time with a woman?

Catherine laughed.

-Both.

Alexandra got out off her and made herself comfortable on the other side of the bed.

-Well, I was 15 at that time and I was one of those popular girls at high school. Usually, my kind of people hang out with those cool people; athletes, handsome guys who goof around etc. Most of the time they lose their virginity to those guys because doing it for the first time with a less cool guy does not make a good impression on you. So it was with me. Jeremy was on the football team and a year older than me. He was tall and handsome. He liked me a lot and I thought that he is the perfect candidate. One day, we had a party at his parent's house. Adults were not in the town. There were lots of people. At a certain point, he asked me to come with him. We went to his room. We were kissing. He started grabbing my ass and teasing my breasts. I was OK with it because I knew how this is going to end. Then he started unbuttoning my dress. I still remember that dress. It was a blue shirt-dress. He took it off and then took his t-shirt off. Laid on me and kissed my neck. Then he pulled off my bra and kissed my nipples. He was rushing and once he took off my panties, he wanted to go straight inside. And then he got himself embarrassed.

-He finished it before starting, didn't he?

-He did.

They both laughed.

-You see, that is the problem with men. It can easily happen with them. With women, it is not so easy.

Alexandra commented. Catherine agreed.

-Yes. That is what makes them perfect as a lover. They know what you want and they never finish it before starting.

They continued laughing.

-Was he the only one or did you have a few of them before transferring to the female department?

-Well, I have slept with a bunch of guys. I even slept with them after turning my direction to women. It is not the same as with women, but it is OK to change the mood. But I'd prefer a woman. I know that with a woman I will always have better sex and it is better to share that intimate and passionate moment with a woman who appreciates it rather with a man who thinks his mission is done.

She looked at Alexandra and smiled at her and received the same response.

-When did you start dating women?

-At my high-school, there was this girl. She was just an average girl who always was silent and many people did not notice her. Even I barely noticed her. At high school graduation. I was drunk. I wasn't having the best time of my life; my parents died, I did not have a boyfriend and I was very lonely. I was trying to find my way to WC and I fell down. Someone helped me to stand up. I turned around and it was her. She asked nicely if I am OK. Then she said I'd better go outside and breeze some fresh air. She guided me. When we were outside, she reached out to me and kissed me. At first, I hesitated. I thought I'll throw up. But I did not. I liked it. It was soft, tender. She was the first girl I ever kissed with. We never had sex but after moving to Stanford campus, I was obsessed with the thought of what it will be like if I will sleep with a woman. After a few months, I was invited to a party of a friend, a guy who was gay, and it turns out to be that there were a few lesbian women.

One of them started to flirt with me. I responded with an interest and she invited me to her place. And we did it.

-Wow. She must have been an amazing sex partner if she rocked your world.

Alexandra smiled.

-She was. I still remember the way she used her lips and tongue to make me feel high. It was such a pleasure. How could I not do it with women after that? That is how it all started.

-You know, I have never tried it with men.

-Really? How? Why?

Alexandra smiled.

-I always thought I should. At least once so I could tell the difference. Never had a chance.

-For all your life you never had a chance?!

-Well, my story is... I never had a crush on a guy when I was a teenager. I thought it is OK. I was not so old for it. I was just 14. But one day, after a tennis session in the tennis club, I went to the changing room. I almost packed up myself when I saw a young woman leaving the shower with a towel wrapped around her. The towel was loose and it slipped down. I saw her nude body. She was a beautiful woman in her late teens, maybe early 20s. The picking point is, I got aroused. For the first time in my life. And it was because of a woman.

While talking about it, Alexandra's voice was stern. She was upset and Catherine wondered why?

-What's wrong? You are talking about it as it is a horrible thing.

Alexandra looked at her and said with a sad tone.

-In Russia, people do not talk about gays. They do not befriend gays. Being gay is simply not allowed by the society. When you know it all and you think of yourself as a straight person who is accepted by the community you live in, realizing that you are gay is devastating.

There was a pause. Catherine did not know what to say. She was waiting for Alexandra's move.

-When I got aroused, I was shocked. I was confused, angry and damaged. A few days later, I decided to talk someone. It was driving me crazy. So, I chose the last person I should talk to about it. My mother did not say anything at first. She hushed for a few minutes and then said. "You could be an alcoholic, drug addict or whore but you chose that? I could tolerate anything but not that! Fix yourself!" I felt even in a deeper depression. By the death of my father, I became an introvert. After that encounter with my mother, I became even more introverted. We never talked about it again although she knows about my life here.

Catherine forced herself to say:

-I'm sorry...

Alexandra was silent. After some time she continued.

-Me losing my virginity is even more creepy. I am not sure if you can be open-minded about that.

Alexandra smiled.

-Oh, come on. I have done lots of weird stuff. I will certainly be OK with it.

After a bit of hesitation, Alexandra said:

-What the hell. Let's make a shot. I lost my virginity at the age of 16 to a friend of my mother.

-Your mother befriended teenagers?

Alexandra laughed.

-No, she did not. Her friend at that moment was in her early 40s.

-What?!


	19. Chapter 19

_Chapter 19_

Catherine was shocked. It took her by surprise. A relation between an adult woman and underage teenager is quite a shocking thing.

-Is having sex with an underage teenager is allowed in Russia?

-No.

Catherine sat in a lotus position.

-Do you understand that it was wrong?

Alexandra smiled, as it was OK.

-Yes.

-Did you tell your mother or anyone else?

-Of course, not. It was not a rape or abuse. I wanted it. Moreover, it is not as if we did it only once. We did it regularly like couples.

Catherine's eyes were wide with astonishment.

-What is wrong?

-You have been having sex with an older woman while you were a teenager?!

-Yes.

-That is illegal, don't you get it? Why are you acting like it is OK?

-Because I was old enough to understand that I want it and decide whether it is OK or not. Moreover, I was not as innocent as you might think.

-You mean, you made a move on her?!

-No... Well, it is complicated.

Alexandra sat on knees facing Catherine and started with a calm tone.

-Have you ever fancied people who are older than you? It is just like that. She was a close family friend. A member of the Russian intelligentsia. A doctor with gray soft hair. I don't know why she never dyed her hair but she looked great with those. She was a divorced mother of one boy. Intelligent, smart and charismatic. Her stern character was magnificent. I adored her a lot. One day, when my mother was away for the funeral of a relative in another city, she asked her to come by our apartment and check on me. She visited in the evening. We were talking while she was sitting in the armchair and I laid on the sofa facing a magazine. Once we stopped talking I felt her hand on my back. She was slowly and tenderly gliding it towards my butt. At first, I felt shocked though very pleased. Then I heard her whispering about how beautiful I am, and how long she waited before making this move. I turned my face to her in order to resist although I wanted her to take me like a wild animal. She started begging and telling me how she is OK to give anything else in the world just to feel my lips with hers. I let her kiss me. It was my first kiss ever.

Alexandra laid down putting her left hand behind her head. She was smiling and Catherine saw how important this memory was to her.

-It was my first kiss ever but at the time, I thought it was the best ever. Guess what, it is still great. She kissed me and hugged my waist at the same time. Then she started to kiss my neck. We were kissing for a long time. She was discouraged to make the first move. I put my arms around her neck and moved closer to her. That encouraged her to pursue what she started. She laid me down. Took off my T-shirt and kissed my body all over, then she took off my jeans and everything else. At first, she gave me an oral pleasure. I was ecstatic. Before I was able to recover, I was no more a virgin.

Catherine was speechless. Alexandra was telling, literally explaining every single detail of her losing her virginity. And she was talking about it in a way that made Catherine realized that it is not creepy for her. It is a great memory for her.

-We were meeting at her place. Twice a week. Sometimes even more. Her son was old enough to live apart. I remember the way I used to torture her.

Alexandra smiled.

-I would come to her place. She would like to hug me or kiss me and I would resist and make her beg me before letting her to fuck me. I liked when her, an adult woman, begged me to have sex. Then we would do it. At least three times. I became her "Lolita". She would teach me stuff like how to prolong the pleasure, which poses are the best etc. It helped me a lot. It still helps me.

Alexandra winked. Catherine was speechless. She was not sure what to say. On one hand, this affair was important to Alexandra. On the other hand, it was wrong. Then, she thought about her affairs with students and did not dare say anything. Instead, she decided to ask a question.

-What happened?

-Well... I left for the US.

-Was she OK with that?

-No. She begged me until very last moment to stay. But I knew that I am not in a place where I can be happy. So, I left. Years later I emailed her a few times asking about her life. Last year, while visiting St. Petersburg, we met again. You know she is still beautiful. I guess, after all, not the exterior beauty is important to me. For me, at her 50s she still was gorgeous and sexy.

-Did you?..

-No.

Alexandra smiled. She looked in Catherine's eyes.

-I lost Cecile. And at that moment, I was not ready to touch anyone yet.

-How did you and Cecile meet?

-It was just after my move to the USA. I met her on a student collaboration day at Yale. I was a junior and she was a sophomore. I asked her a question about student clubs and then we started talking. One thing led to another and she asked for my number. I gave it to her without hesitation. At that moment, I did not even know that we might work it out.

-How long did it go?

-A little bit more than 4 years.

They both hushed. Alexandra reclined to bed and put her head on Catherine's hip. While drawing on Catherine's knee with her right pointing finger, Alexandra continued her story:

-She was different. Different than anyone else. She always had courage for things I'd usually chicken out. I was more of a poetic person, and she was more of an artistic person. She was the one who encouraged me to travel and love art. We traveled on my motorcycle through Europe. With her, I discovered another part of me. Part of me I needed while growing up. With her, I felt stronger and smarter. Sometimes, I think that she was destined to play a role in my life.

Catherine heard Alexandra's emotional voice and put her hand on her head. She felt the warmth of her body and liked it a lot. She was jealous of Cecile memories. She knew it was stupid but still could not help herself. No one in her life lasted that long and she was afraid that no one would.

-What happened?

-She was in Paris for a few days. On the way to the airport, taxi driver made a mistake, which resulted in an accident. They say she died on the way to the hospital.

Catherine stretched her arms and hugged her shoulders.

-I'm really sorry.

-At first, I refused to believe it. I couldn't make it to her funeral. It took me a week to absorb the information. Then I bought a ticket to Paris and visited her. In a cemetery. She was laying there. I couldn't see her anymore.

A long pause there was before Alexandra asked:

-What about yours?

-Mine what?

-You said you are getting over someone.

Catherine did not expect it. She stuttered a bit but throw it anyway:

-She left.

Alexandra stood up and looked at her face.

-She dumped you?!

-No. She had to leave for California. She had a job offer there. It was a dead end for both of us. So, I let her go.

-I would fight for it.

-But when you know that it will make the other person unhappy. You are OK with letting her go.

-But I wouldn't also accept a job offer on the other side of the country. How could someone accept that when they have you.

Catherine smiled. Besides her mocking character, Alexandra was great at flirting. She liked that.

It was late when Alexandra left. Catherine put her forehead on the door and exhaled after shutting it.

Before going to bed, she checked her smartphone to see if the alarm was set. There was a missing call, which was unexpected. She put her phone in silent mode not to be interrupted. Therefore, she did not hear it. What brought her to the state of shock was that the number of the caller started with 213 area code.


	20. Chapter 20

_Chapter 20_

Catherine finished the morning classes and went directly to her office. Sat down at her desk began thinking who might call her yesterday. It is not Jackie. Totally not Jackie. Her phone number is different and she said she was going to keep it. Therefore, it is not her. Then, who it was? She had a few friends in California but they never talked on the phone. They would usually email each other. Maybe this is one of the fellow professors at Stanford. She did not talk to them after moving to New York. Probably, they think she is still looking for a job and that is the reason they are calling. Of course! Who else it can be. It is one the fellow professors. That is it. No need to get excited. It is not...

Knock on the door interrupted Catherine's thinking.

-Come in.

Alexandra adored her with her beautiful smile.

-How are you?

Catherine was caught off guard. She realized that it has been a longer pause. She forced herself to smile and abruptly said she is OK.

-Are you coming?

-For what?

Catherine was lost. She couldn't control it. Neither she understood what Alexandra was saying nor could she answer her.

-Department staff is going to lunch. We were going to join them. I am going because you were going.

Catherine's face was blank.

-Please tell me something.

It danged Catherine at that moment.

-I'm sorry. I forgot about it.

-Please tell me you are going.

Alexandra looked with a begging face.

-I'm sorry. I am not hungry and I have many things to do.

Catherine turned her face to the laptop.

-What happened?

Catherine turned again to Alexandra. Now she looked worried.

-I am sorry. I don't feel well. I want to finish everything as early as I can and leave.

It was Alexandra's turn to be silent.

-Do you need help?

-For what?

-Do you need my help for your work or maybe taking you home?

Catherine looked at her. Alexandra was nice. She never stopped being nice to her.

-Thank you but no need.

-OK. See you later.

She was going to close the door but she went inside again.

-You know, now I am stuck with a bunch of boring staff members. Whose fault is that?

She smiled and Catherine felt terrible. She did not have an argument against it.

-I'm really sorry. I'd force myself but I'm really not in a mood.

-No.. No.. We will find another way for you to apologize.

Alexandra grinned and left, shutting the door behind.

Catherine looked at her phone screen.

It is not her. It cannot be her.

She touched the number to dial it. Then her heart almost stopped as if to hear clearly, who is going to answer. A man answered and Catherine felt immediately relaxed.

-Hello?!

-Umm… Hi.

-Can I help you?

-Sorry, I... I had a missed phone call from this number.

-Have you ever talked with this number before?

-No. That is the reason I redialed. I wanted to know who this is.

-Sorry. Apparently, there has been a mistake. If it were important, I would call you once more.

-Yes. Probably. Thanks.

-Have a nice day.

Catherine felt a relief. She thought whether she should join the department staff after all. At the same time, she felt exhausted. Therefore, she wanted to go home. She had no other classes and office stuff could be delayed to some other time.

Catherine was careful in order not to see anyone familiar. She wanted immediately to go home. She managed to go to her parking spot without problems. Once she made herself comfortable in the car, her phone rang. When she looked at the phone screen, she saw the familiar number starting with 213. She answered with a surprise.

-Hi.

-Hi again. I am sorry to bother you. You were indeed contacted by the owner of this number yesterday.

-Aren't you the owner?

-No, no. It is not me. I am her personal assistant. Just a minute.

-Wait…

Before Catherine could say anything, the caller passed the phone to another person.

-Catherine…

And Catherine heard. Heard loud and clear the voice she desired to hear for so long.


	21. Chapter 21

_Chapter 21_

-Hi...

Jackie's voice was like a lullaby for Catherine. She did not even realize how much she missed that voice.

-Jackie. Oh god. Hi.

-I hope you are happy to hear me.

-I am. I am happy.

-How are you? I hope it is not a bad time. I called you yesterday and you did not answer.

Catherine paused. She well remembered why she did not answer. She just did not want Jackie to know.

-I'm fine. Sorry, I went to bed too early and did not see your call.

-It's OK.

-So, what you have been up to?

-Nothing special. Just as usual. I wanted to check on you. How is New York? Do you enjoy it?

-Well, it is not like home but I try to get used to it. Stop... How did you know that I am in New York?

Catherine heard Jackie's laughter on the other side.

-I googled you a few days ago and saw information about you in NYU website. Then I decided to give you a call. I hoped for you not to change your phone number. Thank god, you did not. I have really missed you.

Catherine's response did not make itself wait for too long.

-Me too.

-You know, one of the reasons why I called you is, I will visit New York at the end of this week. I thought, if you have time, maybe we could meet and have a cup of coffee maybe.

-Yes. That would be great! I'd love that. When exactly will you arrive?

Catherine was nervous. Jackie is coming.

-On Saturday night. Sunday morning I will be available. We could also have breakfast if you want.

-Yes, anything. I mean, you are coming here. We can do whatever you want to do.

Catherine couldn't calm herself down. It was Jackie, after-all. She wanted to see her. As soon as possible.

-This is my number. Just in case, there will be a change of plans.

Catherine knew there would not be any change of plans. She will cancel everything just to meet Jackie but she did not say that in order not to seem desperate.

-OK.

-Do you know somewhere we can go? Somewhere silent with a few people.

-Jackie... I am afraid that I am not so much familiar with New York.

-Oh. Then, maybe we could meet at the restaurant of the hotel?

-That sounds good.

-Then, I will text you on Saturday and let you know the address.

-I will be waiting.

-We have so much to talk about but I have to go. Anyways... we can catch up when we will meet.

-Sure.

-It was great to hear your voice.

-The same for me. Thank you for calling back.

-See you, Catherine.

After hanging up, Catherine stayed in the car trying to understand what happened. She just made a plan with Jackie. Yesterday she was not even thinking about her. She immediately remembered about Alexandra and felt guilty. But it did not last long. Alexandra and she were not in a relationship. What they had, was an arrangement. Business like arrangement. She turned on the engine and drove home.

As soon as she opened the door, Ethan welcomed her and wagged his tail. Being in a very upbeat mood, she kneeled down and squeezed his cheeks with both her hands.

-You won't believe what happened. Jackie is coming.

As soon as Ethan heard Jackie's name he jumped on Catherine and tried to lick her face. Catherine laughing tried to push him.

-I know. I know. I am also happy. Maybe you also will see her.

She kissed his nose to calm him down and moved to the bedroom. Without taking her clothes off, she laid down on the bed smiling. She couldn't stop it. It was Thursday. Two days later Jackie will be in New York. Two days. It so long she thought to herself...

Catherine woke up at four in the morning. She fell asleep on the bed with her clothes on.

By 7 am, she had a shower, clothed up and sat at the kitchen table to have breakfast. Thinking that Jackie might have texted her, she checked her phone. There were one missing call and a text message. Alexandra made them both. She checked the SMS.

"Hi. Wanted to check whether you are OK. Hope you are all well. In case you need something, let me know."

It was sweet of her. But Catherine did not want to talk to her. She even put herself a mission to avoid her this week as much as possible. It was Friday and Alexandra did not have a class in the Psychology department, which meant they would not come across each other.

During the lunch break, she joined Professor Collins and they discussed department issues. Even Collins made her a comment about looking more cheerful than ever. Catherine smiled and thanked but still could not hide her smile. However, a call interrupted her. It was Alexandra again. She excused herself and left the table.

-Hi, Catherine.

-Hi.

-Are you OK?

-Yes. It is just a very bad time.

-Sorry, I was worried about you and texted you but did not receive a response.

-No, need to apologize. It is my fault. Sorry. Umm... I felt exhausted and left for home. Once I got in, I immediately fell asleep.

-Oh. Do you need help? Would you like to grab a coffee? Maybe meet later in the evening? As friends… Not that the way, you know.

Catherine paused.

-Look... Don't take it the wrong way. But I feel like to be alone these days. I want some privacy. At least for a couple of days.

-Did I do something wrong? Did I bore you with my stories?

-No, no. It is me. I need a little bit time by myself. I promise to call you once I get well.

-OK. Catherine...

Alexandra's upset voice stopped Catherine from hanging up.

-Yes?

-Take care of yourself.

-I will. Thanks.

On Saturday afternoon, she received a text message from Jackie with the address of the hotel and the time they supposed to meet for breakfast. Butterflies erupted in her stomach when she thought about meeting Jackie in less than 24 hours.


	22. Chapter 22

_Chapter 22_

On Sunday morning, Catherine was standing in front of Jackie's hotel on the West 55th street. She entered the hotel and sat down on one of the couches in the lobby. Then, she typed with shaking hands, "Good morning. I'm in the lobby." She touched the send button. Not a minute passed and she received a response, "Comin'."

She was very anxiously. Seconds were like hours. They just wouldn't go. She breathed deeply and exhaled hugely. When she opened her eyes, she saw her.

Jackie changed her haircut into a more progressive and short one. She lost a little bit weight but she still looked great.

-Hi...

Hearing her greeting made Catherine realize that she is real.

-Jackie.

They were facing each other and smiling at each other. Then Jackie threw herself at Catherine. While hugging her, Catherine was inhaling her smell.

-I've missed you, porcupine.

-I have also missed you, Catherine. A lot.

They decided to apart in order not to get too much attention. Then, they moved to the restaurant.

-Tell me. Tell me everything, please. What have you been doing all this time?

Jackie looked very desperate to learn about Catherine.

Catherine told her everything. She only missed the parts about Alexandra.

-I am so sorry, Catherine. I wish there were a way to help you.

-It is OK.

Catherine reached out and hold her arm.

-I am doing quite well. Don't you see?

She smiled and saw a smile emerge on Jackie's face.

-What have you been up to?

-Well, you know about Neptune movie. It did not resonate with all the expectations but it was good enough. That of course, resulted in other short term and profitable projects. That also means that I am neither wealthy nor poor. Now I am focused on chasing bigger projects and that is the reason I am here.

-You are landing a job in New York?!

-Well, I don't want to jinx it but apparently, I will. There is a new sitcom. It is a new genre for me: comedy. But I read the scenery it looks great. It will be like "Friends" but for the new generation. I think it will work out and will last at least 5 seasons, which means 5 years in New York.

Catherine was speechless. Jackie is going to live in New York. The same city she lives in.

-Superb. When are you moving?

Jackie laughed at her.

-I am not sure. We are still on the verge of negotiation. We are waiting for the TV channel to approve it. Once it is done, I'll go to LA to pack my stuff.

-That is amazing.

-You think that is amazing? Do you know what I think is amazing? For me, finding out that you are also going to be in New York, that is amazing!

Catherine smiled.

-So, where do you live?

-Not so far from here.

-Really? Is Ethan home?

-Yes.

-You know, I would love to see him.

Catherine looked at Jackie as she was scanning her. Jackie was looking at her with a smirking face.

-We can go to my place. You can pet him. He will be very happy to see you.

When they entered the apartment, Ethan jumped on them. He was running and jumping around Jackie. Seeing that scene, almost made Catherine's eyes fill with tears. They were all home again.

Catherine asked whether Jackie would like to drink something and receiving a positive response went to the kitchen. She took two cans of diet soda. She opened the first one and as she wanted to open the second one, she felt someone's hand on her back. She turned around and saw Jackie standing close to her.

-Catherine... I missed you.

Catherine put both her hands on Jackie's shoulders and slowly pulled her closer. Like at good old times. Their lips brushed against each other and that was the moment, Catherine decided to take the initiative and not to delay this. She wrapped Jackie with both hands and kissed her.


	23. Chapter 23

_Chapter 23_

Their legs were brushing against each other. Jackie rested her head on Catherine's bare breast. Catherine was fondling her cheek with her right hand while her left arm was wrapped around Jackie's shoulder. They were happy.

-I thought we will never do it again.

Jackie said and immediately looked at Catherine. Catherine smiled in response and said:

-I understand you well. I have missed you a lot. I was dreaming about and thinking what you might be doing. An idea that you might be with someone was killing me.

Jackie hushed. She put her head down. Catherine became uneasy about Jackie's change of behavior. She sat down.

-Jackie...

Jackie, who faced another direction, looked at her.

-2 years is a long time. Do you have anything to tell me? I mean... I did not expect you to wait for me.

Jackie still did not want to talk. Catherine put her hand on her arm.

-Tell me. Is there anything you want me to know?

After a bit of hesitation, Jackie said:

-I thought we will never meet again...

She was looking directly at Catherine.

-You have to understand. I was alone. I did not have lots of friends. So, I started looking up for small flings to make myself feel better. During the filming of Neptune, I had a few one-night stands. It then continued during our premiers around the world. We were meeting a lot of people every day and it was kind of a chance to get a non-serious stuff for a short time...

Catherine listening to Jackie was getting more surprised. It was not like Jackie to go around and look for a fling. It was usually what Catherine would do.

-... and after the premieres around the world, all the parties stopped. Thank god, or I would become an alcoholic. That wouldn't make any good impression on my arsenal of rumors. After Neptune, I was involved in small projects. One of them was a video clip of a new promising artist. I met this girl during the production.

Catherine looked at Jackie with a worried impression.

-I don't feel the same about her. She is more attached to me than I am to her. She knows it also. It is not a serious thing.

-But you are still with her. Right? I mean you are dating.

-Well, yes. I did not have a chance to talk to her. I mean I did not even try. I thought it would be better to talk to you first and be sure that we might get together.

Catherine was not happy about this situation. Somehow she felt like Jackie is not eager to get together with her but wants to check what it will be like.

-How long have you been dating?

-About a year already.

Catherine was avoiding eye-contact with Jackie. All the time she was trying to build herself a new life and thinking about her, Jackie moved on with her life.

-Catherine...

Catherine looked at Jackie.

-I am here. I am with you. Isn't it the most important thing?

Catherine smiled sadly.

-I promise to you. Once I sign the contract, I will go back and tell her everything. I will need to go back anyway; to bring some of my stuff and organize a few stuff.

Catherine did not feel well about it all but she decided to get rid of the wrong ideas that might lead her nowhere. Jackie was here. They were together. That is what counts.

She kissed Jackie.

-You are here. That is more important.

They did not leave the bed for the rest of the day. They were making love to each other and then lay motionless and talk about past two years. They were trying to catch up on everything they have missed in each other's life.

Close to the late evening, Jackie insisted on going to the hotel so there were no suspicions. Moreover, she needed to rest since she had a morning meeting with a few producers and TV executives.

Their trip in the car was also accompanied by a conversation. This time, Jackie shouted a question.

-Catherine...

Catherine looked at her briefly and smiled.

-Yes...

-We talked about a lot of things today but you still did not tell me whether you had someone or not.

The question got Catherine off guard although she was preparing herself for it.

-I did not have a relationship... I was not ready for it. Plus, I had to put my life in order and solve the employment issue. After moving to New York, it took me a lot of time to get used to it and guess what... I still can not adapt. Thinking about it all, moving, finding a job, starting a new life, I had no time for personal life.

She hushed and for a long time did not dare to look at Jackie. But when she finally did it, she saw Jackie looking at her emphatically. She felt worse for lying to Jackie.

Jackie kissed her on the cheek saying goodbye. Catherine looked at her and saw her going inside the hotel.

After sitting in the car for a few minutes, Catherine pulled her smartphone and typed, "Could you spare your time for me after the classes tomorrow?"


	24. Chapter 24

_Chapter 24_

Catherine was sitting in her office. She was anxious and stressed. She started drumming on the table with her nails.

Latest events happening in her life made her this way. Jackie is back. That is great. She loves her and now they have a chance to be together. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. However, she was also unhappy. Now, she had to stop her arrangement with Alexandra, which she was OK but was somehow afraid because of all the awkwardness of the situation. Alexandra repeatedly proved herself as a rational and mature adult. Therefore, Catherine hoped for her not to make a scene or another problem. Nevertheless, even if the situation will be cleared, they still will meet in the department regularly and it could make her feel uncomfortable. Another problem with this entire situation was that from the beginning of their second chance with Jackie, Catherine lied. This was especially problematic and Catherine did not know why she lied about Alexandra. Why would she hide her arrangement from Jackie, when Jackie would explain everything going on in her life?

Catherine couldn't find an answer to the question because her phone started ringing. It was Jackie calling.

-Hey. How are you?

-Catherine, this is going to be awesome.

-What exactly?

-Well, I just left the TV channel building. We were discussing my salary. They confirmed my role as a leading character. Everything is set. The Production Company and TV channel need to sign the contract for our project to start. Once it is signed, I am going to get almost the same amount I got from Neptune movie but per episode. Isn't it amazing?

-Wow. That is awesome. I am so happy for you, Jackie.

-Catherine, do you get it? I am going to move to New York. We are going to live in the same city. I am landing the greatest career opportunity of my life. Once it is signed, it is going to be a bigger project than Neptune was. This is a chance for both of us. This is kind of universe's call for both of us to go back together. I am so happy. I want to see you tonight. Do you have time?

-Yes, sure. We definitely should meet. I can cook dinner for you. Would you like that?

-I missed your cooking and it has been a long time since I have eaten a home-made meal.

-Deal then. Do you want me to take you on the way home?

-No need. I am going to have a few meetings with TV show executives and then I will catch a taxi to your house. Let's say I will be at your house by 6.30 pm. Is it OK?

-Yes.

-I want to see you as soon as possible. To hug you, kiss you and …

-What?

Catherine smiled.

-Don't act like you don't know.

-I am not sure whether I know or not. Could you please clarify?

-You know what? Why bother? I'll better show you.

Catherine laughed. So did Jackie.

-Anyway, I have to go now but see you in the evening.

-See you in the evening, porcupine.

Catherine was happy. So was Jackie. Nothing could change that. Probably all the stress she has been having recently is meaningless. Everything is going to be great...

Knock on the door.

"Oh, not again." Catherine thought to herself. She hated to be interrupted when she is thinking and this was happening the second time for past an hour. She forced a disappointed "Come in".

-Hey. Are you OK?

She looked at the person coming in. Black Chelsea boots, black jeans, and a red plaid shirt. Tall and slim woman with blue eyes holding two cups of coffee and smiling at Catherine. Before Alexandra came in Catherine did not even realize how much she missed her. She was so much fixating on the complex situation that she forgot about her as a person, a friend and a lover. She could not help herself but smile back at Alexandra.

-How are you?

-I am sorry. I did not expect you to stop by. You did not answer to my SMS.

-I am sorry about that. I wanted to surprise you but I can come in later if you want me to.

-No, no. I am glad to see you. Please sit down.

Alexandra sat on the chair in front of Catherine and held her one of the coffees.

-I thought coffee would be useful.

-You thought well. You are a total life savior.

-So? How are you? What have you been up to these days?

Catherine hushed. She did not know where to start.

-Did you remember the time when we made the arrangement in your car?

Alexandra reclined to the arms of the chair and rested her chin on her hands. She carefully looked at Catherine as if she wanted to read what is going on in her head.

-Yes, I do.

Catherine became uneasy of her Alexandra's look.

-We said we can end it whenever we want.

Alexandra calmly nodded.

-I think we should stop it.

Catherine stuttered. She did not dare to talk more.

Alexandra looked very calm and Catherine witnessed Alexandra's lips forming a kind of sad smile.

-OK.

Catherine's eyes were wide with astonishment. Again, Alexandra was very calm and acted as a mature person rather than an uncontrollable hysteric, which Catherine expected her to act like.

-Are you OK with that?

Catherine almost whispered.

-Yes, Catherine. I am OK with that. I can't force you to sleep with me.

Catherine felt a sudden relief.

-But…

Catherine looked at Alexandra carefully.

-Can you tell me why would you change your mind? I thought we were doing OK. Did I do something that might hurt you?

Catherine hushed for a little bit. She could not decide whether she should talk about Jackie at all. Then, she thought that she owned Alexandra an explanation. Especially after her being so honest and sincere with her.

-Do you remember about my ex-girlfriend? The one I was getting over with?

-The one who moved to California?

-Yeap. That one.

Catherine stopped for a short time and then went on.

-She is in New York. She is landing a job here and soon she will move here. This is a chance and I want to give it a try.

Alexandra smiled.

-Wow. That is a hell of a chance, Catherine Stark. It is really great. I am happy for you and I hope you will be happy.

-But aren't you mad?

-Why should I be mad, Catherine? I would do the same thing if Cecile were back but that is the problem. She will never be back. You have that chance. I don't. I sincerely wish you well.

Catherine's eyes filled with tears and she could swear that the same happened with Alexandra.

-Thank you. Thank you a lot, Alexandra. I appreciate it all.

-So… How do you want me to behave around you? Should I ignore you or should we be friendly but distant?

-No need to ignore each other. We still can be friendly.

Catherine smiled.

-OK. Now we had the talk, I think it would be better for me to move. I have a queue of students with their term projects.

-OK.

Alexandra moved to the door and as soon as she opened it, she heard Catherine calling her.

-Thank you very much. For everything.

She smiled and left.

Catherine could not move. She was thinking. Thinking about what it would be like if they'd met in a different time and under different circumstances.


	25. Chapter 25

_Chapter 25_

Catherine checked the chicken. "10 more minutes," she said and closed the oven door.

The table was set. Everything else was ready. The main course? In a few minutes, it was also going to be ready.

Catherine looked at the clock on the wall. 6:30 pm exactly. "Where is she?" She turned off the oven. Just she was going to sit down at the table, she heard the doorbell buzzing.

"Hey!" she happily exclaimed while opening the door. Jackie was standing with a stern face.

-What happened?

-On my way here, a kid saw and recognized me while I was catching a cab. He started yelling and calling my name. Seeing that everybody around is turning at me, I ran two blocks and jumped in a taxi passing by.

-Oh god...

Catherine put her arms around Jackie and tried to console her. Jackie immediately freed herself from Catherine's arms and went inside continuing to grumble.

-TV executives and other people believe that I should avoid going on the streets. Apparently, I might catch too much attention.

Catherine did not want to say anything. She felt offended. For the past a few hours she was cleaning the house, setting the table and cooking meal for them to enjoy the evening. Now that Jackie is here, she did not even say "Hello". Moreover, she is kind of blaming her for getting out of her hotel suite.

Without saying anything, Catherine went to the kitchen. She opened the kitchen cabinet and took the bottle of wine she bought especially for the evening. She opened the bottle, poured wine in one of the glasses on the table, and started slowly drinking it. She suddenly felt a hand on her back. Since she did not expect it, she almost spilled the wine because of surprise.

-I am sorry. I am sounding like an annoying little brat. It is just; I am very tired and exhausted because of what happened.

Catherine smiled.

-It is OK.

-Did you make something special for me?

Jackie grinned.

-A new recipe. You are going to love it. Wine?

-Sure.

Catherine poured wine to the other glass and turned to the oven.

-That's interesting…

-What?

Catherine turned back and saw Jackie watching the kitchen cabinet with the open door where she took the wine bottle.

-That empty bottle. Since when do you keep empty bottles in the cupboard?

It dang Catherine like a thunder. It was the empty bottle from the night Alexandra came to her apartment the first time.

-It was a good wine. I kept it just to remember the name and everything. But I should probably throw it.

-Why?

-I couldn't find it in the city anyways.

Catherine took the bottle to throw it. But Jackie suddenly grabbed the bottle to examine it.

-It looks like an expensive one. Where did you get it if it is not sold in the city?

Catherine turned back and opened the oven door. She did not want to look into Jackie's eyes when she is lying again.

-A colleague gave it to me.

-Wow. Then you must really have been bounded with the university staff. Quite a fancy gift.

Catherine faked a smile and turned back with chicken in her hands.

-They are good and interesting people.

-Do you miss Bloomington?

Jackie was like on fire that day. She was shooting serious questions that made Catherine uncomfortable.

-At first, I did. Now I am used to being here.

Jackie was looking at her with a question mark on her face.

-Don't judge me. After you left, I spent the whole year at home. I was not invited to the places where they were happy to see me before. People I used to talk were trying their hard to change the route when they were seeing me from a distance. Here, they respect me. They really want me to develop here. I can easily find funds for my researches and publish my articles in many local and international journals. Probably I will easily enhance my career here. Since there are no rumors etc., I can even feel myself as a decent human being.

Jackie hugged Catherine saying, "Everything is going to be great." Catherine hoped for it. She kissed Jackie while the latter was holding her.

The evening went well. After the dinner, they moved to the bedroom. Although Catherine was breathless from all the passion, she realized something. There has been a change in Jackie's demeanor in bed. She did stuff she never used to do. She kissed her the way she never did before. Apparently, she had an extensive experience after they broke up. It was normal but Catherine was not very happy about it. She missed her little porcupine. She knew also that it would be crazy to open a talk about this. Thinking that she would better hush, Catherine decided to conceal her feelings within inside.

The next day, while going to class, she saw Alexandra from a long distance. She was standing in the hall and pressing her back against the wall. A few female students surrounded her around and they were talking to her. "Probably they are asking her questions", she said to herself. She continued to watch. Girls were flirtatiously talking to Alexandra and she was explaining something with hands and gestures, the same way she would talk if she is only passionate about the topic. Catherine felt sudden clutching in her stomach. She did not want to watch the scene anymore. Therefore, she went to the class and plopped the door.


	26. Chapter 26

_Chapter 26_

Days were passing by. Life became routine for both Catherine and Jackie. Since the incident with the fan, Jackie was reluctant to get out of the hotel room. Catherine visited her every day though she was not happy about that. For her, an accomplished academician, visiting a hotel room every day was humiliating. Moreover, the hotel personnel had eyes and attention, which meant they already figured it out what is happening in the room.

Jackie's contract was not signed yet but she was advised by TV executives to look for an apartment. Both she and Catherine were looking through online ads. At first, Catherine insisted on a realtor but hiring a realtor meant to walk through the city looking at a bunch of apartments. Since Jackie did not want to leave her room, that was problematic. As for Catherine, watching laptop screen every day was becoming unbearable. She was bored by all the dullness but did not dare to talk to Jackie about that.

-Aren't you bored?

She decided to test her luck one day.

-Bored?

Jackie looked at her surprised.

-You are always in the room. You don't go anywhere. You spend all your time in front of laptop and TV. If you are not bored by all of this that should be weird.

It was like words were flowing from Catherine's mouth and she could not stop it anymore.

-I do leave the room. It is not like I am always in the room.

-Only once or twice a week to meet with those TV executives.

Jackie closed the laptop in front herself and turned to Catherine, as she was getting ready for a serious talk.

-You are not happy about that, are you?

Catherine felt like they are going to fight therefore she ignored the question and turned her face to the window trying to escape the talk. She really expected Jackie understand everything by herself.

-Look…

Jackie came closer to her and held her hands.

-It is quite disturbing for us to hide in a hotel room. It is also uncomfortable to sit in the room all day. It is going to end soon. One signature and we are going to be free. We can even go to somewhere for a weekend. I promise. It is definitely going to get interesting.

-I have this fear that we will never be able to get back to what we were before. I want us to be back. You and me, and everything we were back then. Maybe in a different location but still with the same comfort and happiness. I want us to be able to enjoy this not only in a hotel suite but also in anywhere else. Hiding it here it is like we are doing something wrong.

-It is going to change. I promise. You will see that.

Jackie touched Catherine's lips with hers. Catherine was still not assured but could not resist the temptation of biting Jackie's lower lip. She laid Jackie on the bed and took off her shorts. She kissed her neck and pulled off her t-shirt too. Her lips were tracing their path from the neck to the breasts and that was when she decided it is the time to go inside. She heard Jackie's long-drawn-out moan.

The next day, close to the end of the workday she heard a knock on the door. "Come in", she said loudly. Someone came in but she did not look who that person was. She was too busy.

-Hey there, sexy.

Catherine looked at the guest with a total shock.

-Jackie.

-You see, I can have a boring life routine but I still can surprise and impress you.

Jackie was smiling and Catherine was still in a shock.

-But how? How did you find me?

-Well, I had to meet with TV execs. After the meeting, I was like, let us make a surprise for Catherine. I googled the department building and when I was here I asked a few professor looking, people, where are academic offices. I had to run two floors looking at the labels and then I saw the office with your name on it.

Catherine was amazed. It was brave of Jackie to visit her like this. She was happy.

-It is amazing that no one recognized you.

-Well, sometimes it happens. I don't not whether I should consider myself lucky or not. Aren't you happy to see me?

-Of course, I am. It is just… This is so unexpected. I am going to finish everything and we will leave.

-We can go to your place tonight.

-Are you sure?

-I am.

Jackie smiled broadly.

-But you should lend me some of your pajamas.

-Do you think you will need those?

Catherine grinned and received a satisfied response from Jackie.

They were leaving the office and Jackie bombarded her with everything that happened to her that day.

-… so they said it is set for next Wednesday. Actors, screenwriters, the director, and producers will be there, and they will sign it. Soon we are going to get rid of that hotel room.

Catherine smiled.

-We should definitely celebrate that. What would you like to eat? It is too late for me to cook and I did not even go to shopping.

-Mmm… pizza. Let's make it a pizza night.

-OK.

Catherine laughed.

-But also let's buy some wine and …

-Hi.

They both turned to the person who said that. Catherine felt how pale she became.

-I am sorry. I saw you from a long distance and wanted to say hi. I did not know you are with somebody.

Alexandra was definitely uncomfortable to see a foreigner. A few seconds of silence and Catherine interrupted in order not to make it weird. However, her voice stuttered which did not save the situation as she planned.

-Hi. Have not seen you for the last few weeks.

-I was busy. Presented lectures as a visiting scholar at other universities.

-Oh.. Good.

Alexandra looked at Jackie who was already staring at her.

-Alexandra this is Jackie. Jackie this is Alexandra.

They both greeted each other and smiled. Jackie immediately asked.

-Sorry. You said as a visiting scholar. Aren't you a student? You do not look old enough to be a scholar.

Alexandra smiled.

-I get that a lot.

She winked and Catherine who was feeling uneasy.

-I'm not done with my Ph.D. but I work as a part-time instructor.

-Oh…

-But hey… I don't want to stop you from whatever you are going to do. I also have to be somewhere else.

Catherine nodded in a thankful manner.

-OK. See you later.

-Bye. It was nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you too.

Jackie smiled and turned to Catherine.

-Wow. She is so young.

They were going in the direction of Catherine's car.

-She is. She likes it when people are surprised about her age.

-Is it real? I mean how old is she?

-Something like 26. Maybe 27.

-Looks younger but still to be instructor at such a university at such a young age?! That is an accomplishment. Where is she going?

Catherine turned around to look at Alexandra and saw her wearing helmet.

-Oh, yes. She also drives a motorcycle.

-You kidding me. She is young and attractive academician who drives a motorcycle?! She is like a movie character.

Catherine smiled as she opened the door of the car. They both sat in and saw Alexandra drive away.

-Did you two?..

Catherine was caught of guard. She looked at Jackie and saw her curious sight.

-Me and her?! No.

Catherine was surprised at how easy she could lie about that. Apparently, she is getting use to it.

-Probably because she is not a student. Otherwise…

With a half insulted and a half-horrified face, Catherine turned to Jackie and saw her laugh.

-Is that supposed to be funny?

Jackie, who could not stop laughing, said:

-Come on. That is funny. Isn't it?

Catherine turned the car engine. Although she was kind of insulted, she tried hard not to laugh.


	27. Chapter 27

_Chapter 27_

On Wednesday morning, Catherine had a few classes and afterward, she planned to join the lunch with department staff.

During the lunch, Janine was unstoppable. Although everyone was tired of her blabbers, no one was stopping her but joining the conversation occasionally.

-... which I think is not fair. I will definitely limit the number of recommendation letters I give to students. They should compete for it. I won't work on providing everyone with a letter anymore.

Professor Collins interrupted with a calm tone:

-Dear, I do not think it is fair. That way you will definitely put those students into lots of stress and I do not think that they will appreciate this on your course evaluation.

-Yes, but I have to do it. It is the end of the semester and all I do is writing reference letters when I have so many things to do. For those of you who does not know, I also have a personal life. You are all married and settled down but I still have to work for it. Catherine, you get me, right? Please support me.

Catherine stopped eating and looked around to see everyone staring at her. She knew she had to say something.

At this very moment, someone said "Hello" with a determined and cheerful voice.

Now everyone turned to Alexandra. "Why she is always around when I need her most?" Catherine wondered.

Apparently, everyone was happy to see Alexandra and invited her to join. She looked a little bit hesitant but said she can join for a short time. She sat down next to Professor Collins and put her bottle of water and apple on the table.

-Dear, it is not food. You should eat properly. Otherwise, you look very skinny.

-I'm not hungry, Professor. Next time, I will certainly join to your luncheon.

Catherine was looking at Alexandra and examining her. She had a bundle of leather and knitting bracelets on her right hand, she bought them separately in different countries while she traveled with Cecile. She always showed it to Catherine with pride. Her shoulder length haircut was contouring her face construction. She was good-looking and charismatic.

Alexandra looked at her and their eyes met. Catherine felt ashamed but Alexandra flashed her a friendly smile. At that moment, she heard Janine's hysteric voice.

-So tell me, I am right. Wouldn't you do so?

Alexandra looked thoughtful.

-You have a point...

Janine looked around proudly.

-...but we should put ourselves in those students' shoes. Of course, I never expected a professor to recommend me but I was happy to receive such a support. I was lucky enough to meet great academicians throughout my education. Every single one of them made me who I am today. It is due to them I feel a moral obligation to give back the society what I had until now. That is the reason I wanted to become an academician. If I am going to motivate someone else to do so, I'll be more than happy.

She smiled. Everyone sitting at the table looked at her with an adoration.

-Believe me, I understand you. However, this is the professional path we chose and this is the hardship that comes along with it. Hope you understand what I mean.

It was easy for Alexandra to win hearts of people. This is what made her stand among others. Not her books, not her academic achievements but the way she communicated with other people and made them feel about themselves.

After the lunch, everyone left for classes or offices. It happened that both Catherine and Alexandra shared the same route. While walking side by side, they both were silent. Alexandra ended the silence.

\- She is pretty.

Catherine smiled at her briefly but did not dare to say anything.

-To tell the truth, I was taken aback when I saw her. I thought she is a student. She is quite young.

-Yes. She is.

Catherine uttered. She did not know how to support the talk but Alexandra was in her usual ampulla.

-Where did you two meet?

Why does she even want to know that?

-We were introduced to each other by a friend in a private party in Bloomington.

-Ow... Anyways, it is not my business. Just for you to know, you both look good together. I hope you'll be happy.

Alexandra was smiling. This melted Catherine's heart. Alexandra was always nice and sincere. Catherine never doubted about her being sincere. Her intentions were always kind.

-Thank you. By the way, thank you for not going into details about anything. I did not tell her about it.

-You mean our arrangement?

-Yes.

-Why?

-I don't know. I thought that way it will be weird and she might get jealous. I will totally tell her about that but later.

-Of course, it is up to you. But my advice is, don't do it.

-Tell her?

-Yes. Look, I won't tell anyone anyways. You should have told her in the beginning. If you did not, then no need after this moment. She won't trust you anymore.

Catherine looked at Alexandra thoroughly as if she was trying to analyze everything she just heard.

When Catherine was back in the office, she called Jackie but could not reach her. She texted her: "Let me know when you will get free."

She spent rest of the day at her desk, evaluating assignments. When she finished grading the last assignment, she realized that it was almost 6 pm. She checked her smartphone and saw no notification linked to Jackie. She got angry thinking probably she went partying with the cast members and executives. She texted her again: "Hope you did not forget me. Where are you? Are we going to meet today?"

She turned back to organizing her papers and lecture noted. Once she was ready and her desk was well organized, she received a text message. "I'm in the hotel-FYI". Getting it as a hint for visiting her in the hotel suite, Catherine replied: "OK. Will be there asap. Hope this is the last time "

When Catherine knocked on the door and when the door opened, she held out a bottle of champagne to Jackie.

-I thought we would need that.

-Ummm… Thanks.

Jackie went inside with the bottle and Catherine followed her. She did not pay attention that Jackie is not in a mood to talk. She immediately started teasing her and proposing activities, they can do for the evening. A short moment later, Catherine realized that Jackie is not talking and sitting on her bed calmly. Jackie was looking at Catherine as she was going to say something she does not dare to.

-What happened?

After a moment of hesitation, Jackie said with a calm tone of voice:

-Catherine… They did not sign the contract.


	28. Chapter 28

_Chapter 28_

-How? Why?...

Catherine couldn't say anything but continue to look at Jackie with astonishment.

Jackie did not respond. She did not even show an emotion. After a few minutes, she said in a calm voice.

-Apparently, the TV execs and screenwriters were not getting along for a long time. That is why they did not sign the contract right away. The negotiations were taking place in order not cancel the project…

Catherine felt Jackie's voice broke. She immediately came closer to her and hugged her.

-Shhh... It is going to be OK. It is not like the only big project you are going to have. You will have so many opportunities. It is all going to happen. If not today, then sometime later.

Catherine kissed Jackie's neck. They froze while hugging. After some time, Catherine asked a question she afraid to ask.

-Do you have plans? What are you going to do now?

Jackie freed herself from Catherine's arms and said with a caution.

-I don't know. They pay for my accommodation until Friday and then for a ticket back.

Catherine did not know whether she should go on, but she continued.

-Are you going back to LA?

Jackie stood up and started walking around the room in small and quick steps.

-Catherine, I have nothing that might make me stay.

Catherine's eyes widened. She was offended. Jackie's response did not make her wait for long.

-Look, I did not mean you... It is... I don't have a job with a regular salary that might pay for my accommodation.

-Accommodation is not a problem. Let's say, you can move in with me. Will that change your mind and make you stay here?

Jackie looked at Catherine in silence. Catherine could not stop herself from laughing nervously.

-Of course, you are not interested... Once there is no a contract, then what is the point to stay in NY.

-Look, you are wrong...

-Am I? You were willing to move to NY and be with me because you had a job opportunity here. You were willing to do it because I was your option to build a life here. Now, you are going back to LA, to your girlfriend and continue to live with her. She is another option but in LA. That is such a great plan, Jackie.

What made the situation even worse was Jackie's silence. She did not even try to neglect anything Catherine said.

-You are special to me...

-Not enough, apparently.

-What do you want me to do? I can't move to NY.

-Because there are no other jobs in NY.

-Catherine, it took me years to come close to an opportunity in NY, whereas in LA during that period I accomplished many other projects. There are at least ten times more opportunities in LA.

Catherine was walking back and forth. What Jackie was already saying was not making a sense to her.

-If I stay in NY, I will be jobless for a long time. I cannot afford it. It will affect me in both ways, financially and professionally.

-Good that you thought on how it will affect you. What about me? What did you think about me? Did you think that I will be OK with all of this shit going on?

-You can come with me to LA if you want.

-And leave my job? Why should I be the one to sacrifice my career?

-There are universities in LA.

-Jacqueline, it took me two years to find this job. Two years after you left me, I was unemployed. I wrote to every single contact of mine to find a job and was finally able to land this job. Do you know how miserable I felt during that moment?

-Stop it. Don't try to make me feel guilty. I offered you every single option I had in my head. You did not go for a relationship in distance and you did not want me to go out of closet.

-You would not go out and announce that you are dating a woman.

-I could.

-Then do it now. Go out and tell the world you are dating me. Let's work on that distance relationship of yours.

Jackie hushed.

-See? You just did not mean it.

-I am not ready to do it now. I am not in that stage of my career, where I can announce my sexual orientation.

-You would never throw yourself at danger for me.

-And you? Would you?

-I was made to resign from my workplace and had to leave the town I lived for years. And all of it because of you!

-Don't you dare to blame me for god's sake! It was going to happen with you anyway and you know it. If not me, then with some other female freshman that would catch your attention.

-Fuck you, Jackie!

Catherine took her handbag in a rage and ran away from the suite. While elevator doors were closing, she heard Jackie running towards her and calling her name. The elevator moved down and Catherine decided to move on.


	29. Chapter 29

_Chapter 29_

She was nervously drumming with fingers on the steering wheel of the car. When the green light flashed, she pushed the gas. Catherine was sweeping in New York roads for past an hour. She did not want to go home. She looked at her phone and saw a missed call alert. It was Jackie. She missed the call on purpose in order to avoid talking to her. At this very moment, she felt only hatred for her. Suddenly she turned side and parked the car. Going through her contacts and she tapped on a name.

-Come on... Come on... Where the hell are you?

No one answered. Getting frustrated, Catherine pushed the gas hard and moved freakishly passing by the cars. She was angry. She couldn't understand what happened. Only yesterday, they were planning a future together. Now, they are going to move on each other. Tears were going down her cheeks and chin. She could not stop herself. She had a chance for love and a happy life but now it is gone. Jackie is going to leave soon and move on with her life in LA with her girlfriend who is waiting for her. And she, Catherine, will stay in New York and continue on leaving alone again. The idea of going back to be alone again was devastating her. No matter how much she tries, she goes back to being alone eventually. She did not know whether she is angry with Jackie for leaving or herself for being lonesome.

Phone ringing stopped her thinking. When Catherine looked at the screen, she saw Alexandra calling back.

-Hi...

Her voice was breaking down.

-Hi. I'm sorry, I was in the shower. Are you OK?

-Umm... I don't know why exactly I called you. I need to talk to someone and the only person I could think of was you.

-It is OK. Where are you? Do you want me to pick you up or meet you at your place?

-I remember you living near Park Slope. Could you send me your exact address if it is OK for you?

-Sure, I'll text you my location.

-Thanks you.

After putting down her phone down, Catherine saw the message with location from Alexandra.

Half an hour later, Catherine was standing in front of the door. She was unsure whether she should go on and knock on it. Why is she here? Why would she go to Alexandra when having such a personal problem? She knew exactly why. Catherine wanted to talk to someone and did not have anyone else. She had no one to be open and sincere with. She was desperate.

It did not take much time the door to open when Catherine touched it with the back of her hand. Alexandra looked at Catherine with a blank face.

-Are you OK? You look pale as hell.

Catherine could not say anything. She felt her eyes to fill with tears. Alexandra step aside and let her come in.

When she was inside, Alexandra invited her to sit down on the couch and disappeared to be back with two glasses and a bottle of wine.

-I don't have anything stronger.

She held one of the full glasses to Catherine. Catherine took the glass and swallowed its content in one quick motion. When she put the glass on the table, she saw Alexandra looking at her with a puzzled face.

-One more?

She asked unsure.

-Yes, please.

While pouring wine, she asked.

-Should I wait till you get drunk or you plan to talk soon?

-I am sorry. It is just... I am upset. She is leaving...

Catherine's voice cracked down.

-What happened? Did you have a fight?

-We did but right after she told me she is going to leave.

-Permanently?

-Yes.

-Why?

-She came here because of a job offer. The project was canceled and now that she is jobless, she wants to go back to LA.

-I am sorry, Catherine.

-I can't believe her. She was the one to come back to my life and let me make plans about us. Why did she withdrew so quick?

-What did she say?

-She said, since there is no other reason for her to stay, she should go back to LA.

-Well, that's harsh. Hey... Probably, she did not mean it.

-Well, she did not neglect it either.

A silence emerged by which Catherine could conclude that Alexandra is thinking about what to say. Not waiting for her to come up with an idea, she started aggressively express her feelings.

-I believed that this time everything is going to be different. I hoped that our history would not repeat itself again. Right now, I'm where I was 3 years ago. It is Bloomington all over again. She left the school and made my life miserable...

-She did what?!


	30. Chapter 30

_Chapter 30_

They were looking at each other's eyes. Catherine knew she did a huge mistake by bringing up Jackie leaving the school but now she did not know how to get out of the problem. "That is it," she thought to herself, "my life is over thanks to Jacqueline Kirk again."

Suddenly, Alexandra flashed a sinister smile:

-So, you did not meet at the party. Was she your student?

Catherine shook her head.

-Wow... What is with all this secrecy? I am telling you so many things and apparently, you did not share with me anything.

-Look...

-I've got to tell you, I thought you are an ordinary boring instructor. Now, I see a wild side of you… Which I like, by the way.

Alexandra winked at Catherine and reclined on the couch.

Getting Alexandra back to a state where she was intimidating her definitely was not making Catherine happy. She felt miserable. Not only she has lost Jackie today but also her secret is out, which can destroy her already settled life in New York and put her into a difficult position. Where else could she go after New York? Without thinking how to take the communication further, she forced out of herself:

-Are you going to tell anyone?

-Catherine, please. Why are you so terrified about this? It is not as if you sexually harassed students. You just developed feeling for one of the students. It can happen to anyone... Those conservative idiots think it is unethical though.

Alexandra finished the sentence while rolling her eyes. Then she added with a kind smile:

-I won't tell anyone. I promise.

Catherine felt a sudden relief.

-It is a very intimate issue to me. I don't want to discuss it.

-It is OK. I don't expect you to tell me everything. It is all up to you. Note that you can always talk to me when you will need to share something. I will be more than happy to listen.

Catherine replied with a sad smile. She was relieved that she could trust Alexandra. Looking at her, Catherine wanted to tell her everything. Everything she kept inside herself for so long.

-Can I ask you, Catherine? Is that the reason why you left Bloomington? Did you not want to stay there after she left?

Catherine looked at Alexandra. She wondered if she should tell the truth? At least a part of it? She was not sure and therefore, she simply nodded.

After a brief silence, which was unbearable for Catherine, Alexandra said:

-Did you fight for her?

Catherine looked at her with a terror of being probed.

-What?

-I am asking whether you fought for her. Did you ask her to stay that time at Bloomington? Or now, did you tell her how much you want her to stay?

-Well, she knows that I'm upset.

-It is not enough, Catherine. Did you tell her how much she means to you? Did you offer her to stay a little bit longer?

Catherine started thinking. In Bloomington, she was the one to repel Jackie. She was the one to let her go. And now, she is standing here, in front of a stranger and complaining about how Jackie was unfair with her.

-In both situations, she was the one who wanted to leave.

-Maybe, Catherine. But did you try to stop her?

Catherine did not like the direction where this talk was going to.

-Look, people come into our lives. Then they might want to leave. It is quite normal. It is up to us if we are going to let them go.

-So you think that it is my fault.

Catherine felt a burst of anger.

-Don't get me wrong, Catherine. But what were you thinking when you fell in love with a much younger woman... Girl. I don't even know how to call her. Don't tell me you expected her to leave everything, move in with you and live with you as a couple till death do you part. Come on, you are a grown-up woman; you must have known that she cannot be trusted with that.

-You think I am stupid to fall in love with her?!

-No. I don't think you are stupid. We do not choose who to fall in love with. But I think you have missed an important point. You cannot expect a young girl to give up everything and settle down just for you. She is not ready for this. Would you be ready at her age?

Catherine hushed. There was a point in what Alexandra said but she did not want to give up so early.

-What should I do?

-Go to her. Talk to her. Tell her everything you feel.

-Why me?

-Because you are the mature one. Because you have to do it before it is too late. A day could come when you would wish to go back and have that talk with her.

-I have too much pride for this.

-Pride is stupid.

Alexandra smiled sadly.

-How would you know? Have you ever felt the pain of being abandoned?

-I haven't.

-You see. It is easy to judge me. You have never been abandoned. You had a perfect relationship with the woman you loved and suddenly you think of yourself as a great expert on relationship issues.

-You know nothing about me.

-Really? What is it I don't know about you? You loved her so much that you can't get rid of her memories even though she is not around anymore. Jackie would have never done that for me.

-Don't drag me into this. You know nothing about me, nor her.

-And what is it I don't know?

Alexandra hushed looking at Catherine with begging eyes to stop.

-Come on. Tell me, what is it I don't know about you. What kind of a dark secret might you have? Tell me. Come on, tell me now.

-I cheated on her!

Alexandra's shout echoed all over the apartment.


	31. Chapter 31

_Chapter 31_

Catherine witnessed a tear slowly going down on Alexandra's cheek. Her lips were pressed together as if she was mad at herself for saying it. She looked vulnerable: the way Catherine had never seen her before.

-Did she know about it?

Alexandra closed her eyes for a second and said with a breaking voice:

-No. She never knew.

Catherine moved to the armchair right in front of Alexandra to see her face clearly.

-But why? You were in love with her. At least, that is what you told me.

Wiping her tears with the back of her hands like a child, Alexandra looked at the bookshelves next to her. While looking in the same direction, Catherine saw some photos on the shelves. Although she did not see the photos clearly, she knew who was on them. Meanwhile, Alexandra started talking with a calm voice.

-I told you pride is stupid. All that pride shit got me into this.

She turned to Catherine and smiled sadly.

-I loved her a lot. I can't even explain to you how much I loved her. We did not fight a lot but when we did, boy it was something. Before her trip to France, that fucking trip, we had a fight. A big one and we said each other stuff that we did not mean as usual. I was too young back then with a boosting ego. I could not digest her words. I was very angry with her. What made the situation even worst; she left a day later after the fight. We could not talk to each other properly to settle everything down. Later on the day of her departure, I went to a party we were invited together. At first, I did not want to go because she was going to be out of the country. However, after the fight, I decided to go alone. Had a couple of drinks. Talked to a few people. Again had a couple of drinks. Became very welcoming with a girl who openly flirted with me. One more set of shots. A few hours later, I was leaving her naked on the bed in her apartment.

She stood up and started walking slowly in the room. While walking in front of the bookshelves she was looking at the other side as if she avoided to look at the photos in order not to come face to face with Cecile.

-You know…

She turned to Catherine with a sad smile.

-I called her in the morning. She apologized for everything she said. I apologized for everything I said. I wanted to tell her about the night. I told her that I want to tell her something very important. Something that is killing me from inside. She said we will discuss it upon her return. I did not want to argue. Therefore, I agreed. I wish, I did not. She never returned from that trip.

Alexandra stopped. Her voice broke. It took her some time to start talking.

-What about me? I live with the horrible guilt. I die and born every fucking day since her death. I go to her grave at least once a year to apologize. To say that I am so sorry for being a huge fuck-up. I am stuck with it until I die and I cannot get over it.

Catherine was speechless. She had to say something but she did not know what.

-I am sorry.

-I wish you'd never known.

-It is OK. I'm sorry for disturbing you. I'd better leave.

-Of course…

-It is not you. Really. It is…

She came closer to Alexandra and looked her into the eyes.

-I am sorry to bring you to this state. Apparently, I have been fixating too much on myself recently.

-If you still need my advice… Go talk to her. At least you have a chance to do it.

Once more, a tear went down on her cheek. Catherine came a little bit closer and kissed her gently on her cheek while wiping off the tear from the other one.

-I will.

While sitting in her car. Catherine gripped the wheel with both hands. So many things were going on in her head. The information she got on Alexandra in one hand and Jackie on the other hand. She never felt the agony that Alexandra lives in. Not until today. She always thought of her as one of the people who had a perfect life and a relationship without a problem. Seeing her most vulnerable time, Catherine could not forgive herself to bring her into that state of being. Sitting in her car, right in front of Alexandra's apartment building, she did not want to go and leave her like that. She did not know what to do. She was living through a terrible dilemma.

After 20 minutes of thinking on what to do, she took off her cell phone and dialed Jackie.

-Are you still in the room?

-Yes, I am. Where are you? Are you OK?

-I am coming to you. I know it is late but we need to talk. We should have talked before but better late than never…


	32. Chapter 32

_Chapter 32_

-Catherine!

Exclaimed Jackie and threw or herself on her.

-I am sorry. Sorry for hurting, sorry for saying those words… I… I simply do not know how to make it up to you. You do not deserve it. You do not deserve anything I told you.

Catherine's eyes filled with tears. She tried hard not to cry. Holding Jackie, she took her face into her hands and kissed her forehead.

-It is OK, porcupine. We just need to talk. We have to solve it.

Tears were already dropping from her eyes and her voice was cracking while she talked. She took Jackie by the hand and sat down on the couch making her also sit.

-Catherine, where did you g…

Catherine did not want to discuss it, so immediately she cut off Jackie and continued to talk herself:

-Since you came back, I started making plans about us. The same way I did back in Bloomington. I did it all by myself. Without talking to you. Without getting your ideas on it. I believe I had to talk to you before expecting anything from you. I love you and I want to be with you. You may not be ready to deal with it and until today, I was not able to think of it. I have no right to expect anything from you.

Jackie was sitting still. She looked at Catherine as if she could see through her.

-I don't know what to say. I did not expect you to think of it.

-It took me a long time to understand it.

Smiled Catherine.

Jackie stood up and put her knees on the ground in front of Catherine. While putting her hands on Catherine's knees, she looked her in the eyes and said:

-There is something about you. Whenever I am with you, I feel like I have never felt before. With you, I feel complete, unique and strong. But then… Something happens. Always something gets in our way. The last time it was the job. Now it's …

-Again job.

Catherine said with a sad smile face.

Jackie looked upset.

-I do love you.

-But you are not ready to leave everything for me.

A tear went down on Jackie's face.

-I worked hard for all of these. It is not easy to drop it all.

-I understand. I really do.

-Catherine, I will still love you.

-Jackie…

Catherine stop because of her cracking voice.

-Love is great. But do you know what is even better? To be by my side. I am not in an age when I can fall in love and be depressed about it. I really should start thinking of building a life with somebody. To have someone I can rely on. I am in my mid-30s and I have spent all my adult life alone. Of course, it is all my fault.

She stood and started walking in the room.

-I did so many stupid things. Looking back at them, I feel like an idiot. Affairs with college students are just a part of this all idiotism. When you came into my life, I thought you would be one of the temporary experiences. But… you were the only one I did not want to end it with. When you started regularly traveling to Los Angeles, I saw the spark acting is making in your eyes and I got scared. I thought you will leave me anyways. Therefore, I wanted to end it before you did it. Otherwise, it could hurt more. Little did I know that no matter who finishes it first, it does not hurt less.

She turned her face to Jackie who was sitting on her bed and listening her stumbled.

-After you left, I was jobless for a long time and it got me to thinking that I am lonely. Of course, it was not a new observation. I felt that every single holiday. However, loads of work would never let me fixate on it too much. That unemployed period I was in Bloomington I felt that I am lonely and after the reputation damage, I could not go to parties or any other events since people murmuring around made me uncomfortable. Plus, no one wanted to see me anyways.

Catherine sadly smiled.

Jackie was silent. She could not say anything. After a brief silence, she opened her mouth and a calm voice of a little girl said:

-I am so sorry. I am really sorry, Catherine. I wish you would have never experienced that. I was the one to listen to all the rumors about you and sometimes laugh at them because I thought it was funny how others do not know you well as I do. Now, listening to you, I think it was not right. You are not that kind of scary and bad person as they all describe you. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. I wish I could make you happy. I wish…

-You are young, Jaqueline. You are going to have so many chances. I am not getting any younger. I love you but I have to…

Tears were choking her and Catherine forced herself to finish what she started:

-Although I want you to stay, I have to let you go.

Jackie came closer to Catherine and hugged her. When she raised her head, she saw Catherine looking into her eyes. A few seconds later, their lips were touching each other and their tongues were pressed against each other. They were kissing. Kissing as it was the last time they do it.


	33. Chapter 33

_Chapter 33_

Catherine woke up in the afternoon. She felt sleepy and tired. It was quite late when she arrived home and she was frustrated. Therefore, waking up tired did not surprise her at all.

Classes were over, so were exams. The only thing that was left was grading papers, which she could delay until the end of the weekend. That is why she decided not to go to the university.

She went to the kitchen to have some coffee. While the coffee machine was preparing the coffee, she sat at the kitchen table and started going through everything that happened the day before.

Jackie... Alexandra... Again Jackie... She did not even remember how she arrived. She remembered both Jackie and Alexandra and the conversations she had with them. Also, she had a terrible headache, probably resulted by yesterday's stress.

Hearing the coffee machine beep, she stood up to pour herself coffee. Sitting back, she asked herself aloud:

-What am I going to do from now on?

Sipping on her coffee she stepped into the living room to find Ethan lying on the floor motionless. He was bored. She touched his head with her fingertips and sat down on the arm-coach next to him. She put the cup on the coffee table and reclined on the couch.

A tear dropped. She was alone. Still alone. How is she going to live now without Jackie? Jackie... That little girl who turned her life upside down starting from the day they met.

Catherine could easily remember how their eyes met and they smirked at each other. She knew she wanted her from that moment. But she did not know who she was, yet alone if she will be interested to become her next oblectation in the bedroom. She remembered their first time when Jackie was all shaking. She also remembered the time, when Jackie called and asked to get her from relatives' house.

At first, she remembered all the memories that made her happy. Then came the others. Ones that made her miserable and depressed. Then she remembered all the details of yesterday. It was then, she realized that she left Alexandra in a miserable state alone. She ran towards her smartphone and looked through recently dialed contacts. Choosing the one with Alexandra's name on it, she pushed on it.

The phone rang for long but no one answered. It was almost going to a voice message when Alexandra's voice was heard.

-Hi.

Catherine could sense that it was not a happy hi.

-Hi. I'm sorry. I wanted to check whether you are OK.

-I'm fine.

Catherine could sense that she is not though she said the opposite.

-Look, I ran away yesterday but... I really want to be sure if you are OK.

-Catherine, I'm. Really. I feel OK.

Catherine did not accept her statement. Therefore, she started to insist on seeing her. She thought to see her in person only can assure her.

-I'd be glad to pay you a visit.

-Catherine, I'm fine and I'm a little bit busy right now.

-Doing what?

-Umm... My new camera just arrived.

-Great! Can I see it too?

A silence emerged and made it possible to hear Alexandra breathing to the phone.

-Alexa...

-You are not going to let it go, are you?

-I won't until I am sure you are OK.

A new wave of silence did not last long.

-OK. I'm home.

-I'm leaving now.

A half an hour later, Catherine was on her way to Park Slope.

When Alexandra opened the door, she looked paler than ever.

Catherine came in and was offered coffee. She did not refuse. After Alexandra went to the kitchen, Catherine looked around her living room. It was hard to call it a living room since most of it consisted of bookshelves full of books and souvenirs from various countries. In the center, there was TV with a good audio system. Catherine started walking around. She was in this room the first time Alexandra and she slept together. After running from the bedroom, she found herself in this room. However, she did not pay attention to it since she left the apartment in a hurry. Overall, it was a nice room with lots of interesting stuff. The walls were covered with various paintings and bookshelves. There was an old piano in the corner. By a load of books on it, Catherine understood that it was not used for a long time. Looking at the bookshelves, through the books she saw souvenirs, the photo machine Alexandra dropped and broke, and photos. She came closer and looked at them. In some photos Alexandra was with a girl, in others, it was only the girl. She was young, had fair hair and very tender lines of the face. She was beautiful. At that moment, Catherine heard a noise in the kitchen and walked away from the bookshelves. In the left of the room, there was a desk with a chair next to the wide window. She came closer and saw a box just unwrapped. She saw a black and compact photo machine inside the box. While looking closer, she also saw a half-opened pack of cigarettes next to the box. Remembering Alexandra's comment on cigarettes on the day they first met, Catherine concluded that she is lying about being OK.

-Black, I guess?

-Yeah. As always.

Catherine thanked her after taking the cup from her.

-You looked tired. Did you sleep?

-Yes. I just woke up very early. The courier was breaking the door.

-Oh... Congratulations. I saw the camera at a glance there.

-You don't look at it at a glance. You have to touch and feel it.

Alexandra said energetically and stood up going to the table immediately. She returned back with the camera.

-This is amazing. It is expensive but it worth every cent. Can I?

Holding with both hands to the camera, she turned its objective to Catherine. Although she did not want her photo to be taken, Catherine did not dare to refuse. She smiled in response.

A click of photo machine was heard.

-It does not look like a professional one. How is it expensive?

-Well, that is Leica. Q series. It is for professionals but on another level.

Alexandra smiled and kneed down to be close to Catherine and show her the photo. Catherine looked at herself. She looked lost in the photo but the photo itself was a very artistic one. She liked it.

-Seems like it was shot by a pro.

She smiled to Alexandra. Then she suddenly felt that Alexandra is talking about the camera to distract her from other subjects.

-Look, about yesterday...

She saw Alexandra's annoyed face gestures. The latter sat back to her place and started playing with the camera as a child who wanted to ignore scolding.

-I am sorry. I wish I did not come to you with my problems. I wish...

-You should never have known what you heart last night.

-Look, it is OK. I won't tell anyone.

-It is not about you telling someone. I just did not want you to learn. It was a secret I kept for the past a few years and it supposed to die with me. Apparently, I failed in controlling it. I let my emotions loose.

-It is OK. Trust me, I will never do anything that might remind you about telling it to me. Just forget that you told it to me. OK?

Alexandra looked her with desperate eyes.

-OK?

Then she nodded. Thus, Catherine felt sudden pride in what she just accomplished.

-Did you talk to your girlfriend?

-I did.

Catherine smiled sadly.

-By the way, ex... Ex-girlfriend.

-I'm sorry.

-It is OK. You were right, she was not ready to settle down. She is an actress and the life that is going around her is too colorful for her to leave all that.

Catherine smiled sadly.

-I hope it will turn out for good to you.

-Thanks. And by the way... I told her about us.

-About us?!

Alexandra looked with a surprised face.

-Yes. By us, I mean... You know... the arrangement.

-Oh... Did she get angry?

-Surprisingly not so much. She asked me why I did not tell her before. When I reminded her that it does not matter now since we broke up, she said that she would also probably sleep with you.

Catherine smiled.

-She thinks you are gorgeous.

Alexandra smiled back at Catherine.

-Anyway, I should get going. We will meet at the university, right?

-Actually, no. I graded all the papers and did all the necessary paperwork. So, I will not be around your department.

-Wait. They did not offer you to continue on teaching?

-They did. They even want me to take one more course, which I am not so enthusiastic about. It is just, with all the Ph.D., work in both departments and the seminars, papers... It would be better to take time off for the summer. I will go on a trip with the motorcycle.

-A trip? Where?

Catherine asked with a panicked voice.

-Well, I will start with Israel then will move to Jordan, then to Iraq. After that, I will have two options. If they will let me in the country, I will drive through Iran to Azerbaijan and after to Russia. Then I will fly back to the US. In case they will not let me in Iran, I will drive through Turkey to Georgia and then to Russia.

-That is quite a route. Isn't it dangerous?

-Not if you are going to drive through safe roads.

Catherine felt a pain in her chest. Somehow she did not want Alexandra to leave.

-I thought you are going to be here in the summer.

-Well... There is nothing to do around here in the summer. And I am alone. I will be bored.

Catherine could swear that her voice almost cracked.

-What about you?

-Oh. I will be teaching for summer university.

-What about vacation?

-As for me, vacations are not for single people.

Catherine smiled.

-I think it would be better for me to go already.

-You could stay for dinner. We could order Chinese.

-No, thanks. I'd better go.

She was opening the door when Alexandra looked at her and smiled.

-Aren't you going to say goodbye?

Catherine smiled while saying:

-Goodbyes are for a long time. To you I want to say... See you.


	34. Chapter 34

_Chapter 34_

Summer did not pass quickly. It was slow like never before. Although Catherine needed a rest, she did not go for a vacation. Frankly, she did not remember when it was the last time she was on a vacation.

In the department, she was bored with on and on talks by Janine. Not only her but also the other department staff. However, no one ever told anything against. So did no Catherine.

In the evenings and weekends, she went for a walk with Ethan. Sometimes she would catch up with some of the colleagues. But nothing would replace her misery. The misery she would face right after going back home. She spent most of the time at home by lying down on her bed and staring to the ceiling. Occasionally, a few tears would form and move down her cheeks. She had no one to blame. That was her biggest problem. She let Jackie free and before Jackie, she dated only unreliable students with low self-esteem. Who could she blame now for all the things she is going through in her personal life? No one. Whatever happened, happened because of her.

When the summer almost ended and a new semester was going to start , Catherine went to the school to look at her new schedule at the last minute, right before the registration. Once she was in the department administrative building, she talked to a few instructors who were back from the summer holidays. She listened to their stories on how they spent their vacation amazingly and how she should have also used her vacation. She listened to the same talks over and over.

When she finally was able to look at the schedule, she heard someone's determined steps from behind.

-Professor Stark, you look pale and unrested!

When she turned around she saw the person who pronounced those words. Tall and slim, with dark short hair and blue eyes. She could not control it. She literally jumped forward.

-Alexandra!

Catherine cried aloud and hugged her without too much thinking. While squeezing her shoulders, Catherine thought that she acted in a rush and it does not look good from a side. When they parted, Catherine said blushing:

-I am sorry. It is just... So unexpected. When did you come back?

She looked at Alexandra once more. She had a shorter haircut than she had before. It was one of those mid-bob haircuts, which highlighted her neck and face. The new haircut was looking good on her. Alexandra's beautiful wide smile was making her looks even better.

-I was back yesterday, in the evening and went to bed immediately. I was very tired. I am still a bit tired but it is OK.

She continued on smiling.

-Catherine, I am happy to see you.

Catherine replied without a hesitation:

-Me too.

Although teaching staff would come near and greet Alexandra, both her and Catherine had a chance to escape and walk to the parking lot together. Alexandra briefly told her how her trip went, how she was disappointed when she was not allowed to go through Iran and how was Saint Petersburg. She told her about this all with a calm tone as if her adventure was not so adventurous. When Catherine asked about that she simply said:

-Well, when you grow up and get mature, of course, you do no yell and shout about it everywhere. It was a beautiful trip. That is it. I had several memoirs related to it and lots of photos. In case you would like to see them, just let me know.

She smiled. Catherine did not say anything but again replied with a sympathetic smile.

-Tell me about yourself. What did you do?

Catherine closed her eyes and yawned while stretching out her arms.

-What should I say? I fucked up my summer. Taught two courses at the school, went a few times out with some of the colleagues and spent some time with Ethan. That is it.

-You are a total party animal. Did I tell you that before?

Catherine laughed.

-Don't make fun of me. I don't have a lot of friends here. I can't go and party by myself.

-Well, I am back.

Alexandra looked at Catherine as if she wanted to say something. Anything. They were already in the parking lot, right next to Catherine's Porsche. Catherine put her hand on the car and looked at the other direction. Alexandra did not insist on anything but said with a low voice.

-Can you give me your hand?

Catherine looked at her with a surprise on her face. She did not rush to do anything or move at all. Only when she saw Alexandra's hand reaching out to her, she gave her hand. Alexandra took something out of her bag.

-It has no big material value. I bought it from Jerusalem. You know... I am an atheist. But sometimes I find spiritual and religious things fulfilling. I bought it at a small handicraft shop in Jerusalem. There I met a Rabbi and he told me a story of a guy who fell in love with a girl. However, their families were against their affair. So the boy had no other choice but to run away with this girl and never see his parents again or just forget her. He was not sure what to do. He talks to the girl and the girl advises him to toss a coin. So he does. The coin tells him he should run with the girl but the guy looks at the coin with a disappointment. That is when the girl understands. He never wanted to run away with her. Hence, whenever you are unsure, toss a coin and deep inside it will help you to decide, Catherine.

While telling all this, Alexandra tied a knitted brown bracelet around Catherine's wrist. After she finished the story, Catherine looked at her with an admiration. The only thing she could let out of her lips was "thank you".

After being back home. Catherine sat on the couch and reclined back with a smile on her face. She looked at the bracelet around her wrist. It reminded her Alexandra. Her tender touches while tying the bracelet and her slow but determined voice while telling the story.


	35. Chapter 35

_Chapter 35_

During the semester, there were no complications. The classes started and so did Catherine's hectic work days. She loved the way work filled her empty life and let her think on personal stuff less.

Non-work time made her happy only when she was around Alexandra. The latter was kind enough to make her laugh, listen to various anecdotes and talk about issues she would not normally talk. They would still share their coffee break times and enjoy their time out of school when going for a drink or dinner. Although they were friendly, they did not meet at home knowing that it might lead to an uncomfortable situation.

A month after classes started, Catherine was on her way to one of Alexandra's classes. The class should have ended soon and she was rushing towards the classroom with two coffees. She wanted to catch her off-guard. As soon as she reached the nearby of the classroom, the door burst and students started leaving in a hurry. Some of them did not rush since they had questions to ask. After a few minutes, Alexandra appeared on the door and Catherine greeted her with a smile along the coffee.

-How are you doing?

-Exhausted. That was the last class but it is like my jaw needs a therapy. And that thing in your hand smells amazing.

-Lucky you, I got it just for you.

Catherine passed her one of the cups while laughing and continued on:

-So what are your plans for ..?

-Professor Slonim!

Both Alexandra and Catherine turned around. Catherine saw a girl with dark long hair and with attractive facial construction. Suddenly she felt a strange saltiness in her stomach.

-My apologies for interrupting your talk. It is just... I'd really like to get your opinion on whether I should use Freud in the essay.

-It is OK. Well, I think Freud might be a little bit complicated for you. You are a sophomore and usually, seniors rely on him to base their essays on. And not all of them by the way. He is quite difficult, Jane. I would suggest you look for other scholars and then ask for my feedback.

-I know, I did it already! I have the list with me...

While they were talking, Catherine observed the girl. It was like she is interested to keep this talk as long as possible. Besides, she was very nervous and really tried to get Alexandra's attention. Catherine knew exactly why. She knew the "type". She knew it all well.

-Could you please look at it?

-I would be glad to. But I don't want to make my colleague wait longer. How about you email me in the evening? I will respond to you with my available time slots. OK?

A disappointment appeared on the girl's face immediately. She looked at Catherine with an annoyed face and Catherine knew why.

The girl nodded and thanked Alexandra with a smile. After she turned around and distanced herself, both women went on their walk while sipping their coffees.

-Seems like a diligent student.

-Oh, she is. She is a nice girl but sometimes annoying.

-Annoying?

-Yes. Well, whatever I ask in the class and she raises her hand. Whatever I say in the class, she comes to me after and asks questions about obvious things. Unfortunately, there have been so much of her recently that I got annoyed. But other than that she is smart and nice.

Catherine smirked and said:

-Why do you think she acts like that?

-How would I know? Probably, she desperately needs attention to get a better grade. I am ready to give it to her so she would leave me alone.

Catherine chose silence over an explanation.

That evening Catherine was thinking about what happened at the campus. She was not used to seeing students going after someone else. It was her who was attracting young students. Catherine started thinking over herself getting older. Probably that is why she could not attract anyone in New York. Years were doing their stuff on her.

Thinking about that made her fell into more stress. She could not handle it. She wanted to make herself to do something more that night. Something more than going laying on the couch, snuggling with a blanket and watching a retro drama on TV. She stood up and went to her bedroom, where she went through her wardrobe.

When she was leaving home, she was all dressed-up, ready to conquer the outside world.

About an hour later she pushed on brakes and stopped the car in front of an apartment in Park Slope. Looking at the lights on one of the windows she had an uneasiness that made her reluctant to go further but she took the bottle of wine she bought on her way and left the car.

Catherine heard the voice she wanted to hear when she buzzed the door. At first, she could not speak but she forced herself anyway saying, "It is me. I wanted to see you."

When the door opened, Catherine could tell that Alexandra did not expect to see her. Not only her facial expressions but also her appearance told so. She was wearing pajama pants with a Yale hoodie.

-I'm sorry. I was at a party nearby and got bored. So, I bought a bottle of wine and thought I will pay you a visit. But if you are not in a mood, I can leave.

Alexandra who was already in a mild state of shock realized she has to say something.

-No... I'm sorry. It's just... It is a little bit unexpected.

Said Alexandra, smiling and holding out her hand for the bottle.

-Come in.

Catherine went inside and saw the lamp on the work-desk to be on.

-Were you reading?

-I was reading my doctoral thesis. I do it once a month to see all the flaws and no matter how I much I do it, there is always something that I want to add or replace. It is going to drive me crazy.

She smiled at Catherine while putting the glasses on the table.

-What is the name of your thesis?

-Placement of immigrants in the social hierarchy in the USA.

-Really? So how is the situation?

Asked Catherine with a tease.

-Terrible.

Said Alexandra and popped the cork.

-And I am going to tell you... It is going to get even worse.

-The US has the best environment for immigrants. Thanks.

Catherine took a glass Alexandra was holding.

-The best maybe but it is not ideal. Plus, it will get even worse.

Alexandra sat down by Catherine on the other side of the couch.

-So where was this party?

-Umm...Brooklyn Heights.

Catherine mastered the art of lying and she loved it.

-I thought you did not have anyone in New York.

Catherine looked at Alexandra and for a moment thought she is interrogating her.

-Well, not literally. I know a few people but I am not close to them.

Alexandra suspiciously looked at her.

-Well if someone is inviting you to their birthday party, then you must be close.

Catherine dived into silence thinking Alexandra must have understood.

-I never understood those people who would invite everyone to their birthdays.

Catherine felt a relief.

-I mean come on. Birthdays should be something personal. I hate when people I barely know invite me to their birthday parties. I hate people who invite me to their children's birthday party even more.

Catherine smiled with a relief that Alexandra did not get her lie. But also rushed to change the subject.

-How are you?

-Fine.

A silence between them was interrupted when Catherine remembered about photos.

-Are you going to show me the photos you shot during your trip?

-Ohhh... the photos!

Alexandra ran to her work-desk and returned back with a hard drive which she connected to her TV. Once she turned on her TV, they started watching photo slides. Alexandra was going through each photo with a detailed description. The evening was interesting and they were having fun. The bottle Catherine brought with herself was already empty.

In the beginning, Alexandra sat at a distance from Catherine. There was a huge space between them. An hour later, Catherine already surmounted that distance and sat close to her. Looking at her carefully, she reached out and grabbed her face while the other was talking. Her lips were rudely haunting Alexandra's lips. When the latter almost begged with a lower voice:

-Cathe...

Catherine used her tongue to silence her. Biting her lips and taking down her pajama pants while caressing her breasts with the free hand, Catherine knew she is getting power and dominance over her. She liked it. She liked it so much that when Alexandra was moving in spasms of sweet agony, she was getting no less satisfaction.

Alexandra sat and hugged her legs thinking over something. Catherine sitting right next to her tucked a piece of her hair into the back of her ear.

-Didn't you like it? That was the first time I saw you so vulnerable.

Catherine put her hand on her hand and that was the moment Alexandra held back her hand.

-I wish you did not do it.

-Why? You liked it and I can tell that with a clean consciousness.

-Look, Catherine... You cannot come into my place in the evening just because you wanted to fuck someone.

Catherine's eyes widened. She did not expect that coming. Alexandra stood up and started going back and forth, talking nervously.

-There was no party, right? You just made up the whole thing to come here and do me.

Catherine was silent. She did not want to refuse anything because she could not make up a good lie after all of these. Therefore, she went straightforward.

-Yes. But does it matter? What is wrong with me "blowing some steam"? You did the same thing to me a few times. So what is wrong with it now?

Alexandra hushed and Catherine could not think of anything else:

-Did you meet someone during the trip? Is that what it is all about?

-No. I did not.

-Then what is wrong?

-I can't... I don't want to sleep with you.

-Why?

Alexandra did not look at her. She turned away her face.

-Are you going to talk to me?

A new wave of silence.

-As you wish. But do not come close to me anymore.

Said Catherine and took her trench coat leaving and slamming the door behind.


	36. Chapter 36

_Chapter 36_

After their argument, Catherine did not see Alexandra nearly for two weeks. Although she tried her best not to come across her, she also wondered whether Alexandra did the same. She was angry with her but she was also upset not seeing her around. What happened to that flirting and playful young woman who would jump at her at the first chance? What did change her so much? Catherine had two possible answers to that question. First, she might start dating someone and that was the reason why she did not like the idea of having a casual sex. But Catherine did not want to believe in that. Alexandra herself denied it. Why deny when she can say it to Catherine? Second, Alexandra might be angry with Catherine because of Jackie. It was she, breaking the arrangement after all. Thus, the night at the apartment was a vindictive plot against Catherine.

All of these was driving Catherine crazy. However, she did not plan to do anything about it.

After a few more days, Catherine was parking her car in the university parking lot when she saw a black motorcycle parked at the far corner of the parking lot. When she left the car, she looked around to spot Alexandra. There was no sign of the latter.

When she entered the university building, she deliberately started walking slowly to carefully look around.

-Professor Stark!

Catherine turned around to see Professor Smith.

-Hi...

Catherine felt uneasy because of the unexpectedness.

-Hello there. Are you looking for someone? You were walking very slowly.

-No... It's just... I have something in my mind. That is why I decided to take my time and not to rush to the class.

-Oh, I see. Mind if I join you?

-No. Please.

Two women started walking in the same direction.

-So, are you getting ready for the annual department night?

-Which night?

-Well, we had it last year. You were there.

-Oh... That... Well, I did not receive an email.

-No one did. They usually send it a week prior to the night.

Catherine remembered the last department dinner. There she met Alexandra the second time and got her business card.

Walking with Professor Smith, Catherine was able to spot Alexandra. "Finally!" she thought to herself. While Professor Smith was talking her ear off, she was staring at Alexandra with a hope that she will see her. But she was looking at the other direction. Catherine lost the last hope. Just they were passing by Alexandra, Smith said with higher voice volume:

-Hello, Professor Slonim.

Alexandra turned around and came face to face with Catherine. She nodded her head in the direction of both women meaning to respond to their greetings. Then she turned to the person she was talking to. Catherine saw her talking to the same girl who interrupted them the last time. "That bitch is getting what she wants", Catherine thought.

Once Catherine was nearby her classroom, she said goodbye to Professor Smith but did not rush to go inside. She was sneaking on Alexandra. When Alexandra moved towards the exit, Catherine went after her.

Alexandra was sitting on the motorcycle and was putting her helmet on when Catherine grabbed it.

-Who the hell do you think you are? Why do you act like this? I totally do not deserve it.

Alexandra was silent.

-And now you are not even talking to me? Why? What did I do? Did I do something that offended you?

Alexandra did not even try to make an effort for the sake of a conversation.

-Go to hell, Alexand...

Catherine yelled but her voice broke. She threw the helmet at Alexandra who caught it immediately and stepped quickly towards the building.

-You are a dumb blonde.

Alexandra yelled and Catherine turned around furiously.

-What?

Alexandra laughed nervously.

-You are dumb.

Catherine did not understand what is happening.

-You should understand why I am acting like this. If you don't, it is your stupidity.

Catherine was aggressively tuned at the moment. She was keeping herself from jumping on Alexandra and beating her.

-If you could explain yourself, I would. It is stupid of you to think that I should understand everything going in your head.

-You mean you don't get it, right?

Catherine did not and she was wondering.

-You mean, you do not understand that I have feelings for you?

While talking, Alexandra took off from her motorcycle and came closer to Catherine.

-All this time... I have been doing my best to get your attention. I have been pitching you with information on my past and myself to make you feel the same way I do. I tried to make you be my confidant so you could have feelings for me. I got close to you, got into your bed, I did it so we can get closer. But you did not care. You ran away once you had a chance. And even after that, I was nearby you to support you when you had a problem with your girlfriend.

Catherine was beyond surprise.

-You said you are OK!

-Because it did not matter... You would still leave. Because you are in love with HER. I can't sleep with you. I cannot become your toy for satisfaction. It is too hard on me. And if you don't get it, then it is my fault to fall for the wrong person.

Alexandra jumped back on her motorcycle and put her helmet, and moved away in a one quick motion.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

Catherine turned on her laptop to check the email box. While the system was loading she started thinking of Alexandra's talk a few days prior. Better to say "an angry outburst".

She knew Alexandra might like her but she never thought of her having serious feelings for her. In fact, Catherine believed her to be still in love with Cecile. Therefore, when Alexandra opened up to her, she was startled. Thus, she could not say anything to her. Since she did not know how to behave around her, she was glad not to come across her in the building halls.

When the system loaded and she opened her inbox, Catherine saw a bunch of emails from students. Usually, those kinds of emails were aimed to schedule a short talk in the office about boosting grades or asking for guidance. There was one that was different than the others. It was an electronic invitation to the annual department night.

That evening, Catherine went over her wardrobe trying to choose a dress for the department night. She made her choice in favor of a red dress thinking this might make her look better and get Alexandra's attention if she shows up for the night. Yes, she decided to face her. She could not let them not to speak to each other anymore or act like they are strangers.

After the speech of the Dean, Catherine started aggressively looking around but still could not find her. She was angry at herself for showing up but at the same time for spending so much time on herself to look good. What the hell she was thinking? Did she believe Alexandra will jump on her on the first chance? Plus, why did she think she will attend the event? She mentioned hating these kind of events and attending them only because she has to.

After the speech, everyone started socializing and Catherine decided to leave. But, her attempt was blocked by Professor Smith who literally grabbed her by arm and asked to join their group.

-Where are you going? You look all lost. Were you looking for us?

Now Catherine was lost. She stammered:

-Yes... I could not see anyone from our department and was a little bit lost.

Smith introduced her to a few people from other departments and Catherine became a hostage to dull speeches of a few professors in their mid-50s.

After a half an hour, Janette joined them to say hello and Catherine for the first time felt happy to see her. Not to miss the chance, she insisted for her to stay and join their informative talks. That was how another half an hour went.

It was the middle of the event when Janette mentioned:

-By the way, Catherine you look very stunning tonight. Anyone you want to catch their attention?

She winked at Catherine. The question reminded Catherine about Alexandra. Thus, she felt sudden humiliation and anger. But, she briefly smiled at Janette. After which, Janette said aloud.

-Seems like queens always are late./p

She nodded in a direction behind Catherine./p

When Catherine turned around she saw her. She wore an emerald-green dress and looked gorgeous. Catherine gazed at her chapfallen.

Alexandra moved slowly as if she was cautious and was greeted by most of the people. She stopped by some professors and exchanged a few sentences. Then she joined department deans and smiled at their comments. When she was passing by their group she said hi and moved on which made Catherine angry. But, bad for Alexandra. Professor Smith caught her too and literally forced her to join them. "Aha... you get what you deserve!", thought Catherine.

She looked directly at her eyes. But, Alexandra persistently was avoiding an eye-contact with her. In fact, she looked like she wanted to wrap up the conversation. But, Janette interfered.

-Professor Slonim, may I ask why both of you...

She motioned in Catherine's direction and Alexandra looked at Catherine in a quick motion.

"-... look so gorgeous tonight? Do you both try to get someone's attention? Because you know, this is not the best place to do so. There are almost no bachelors here.

Everyone in the group started laughing but two people. Alexandra forced a brief smile and excused herself to go to the lavatory. After she left the group, Catherine also excused herself and went after her.

Alexandra reclined to the wall and started breathing heavily when the door burst and angry Catherine jumped at her pushing her to the wall.

-What are you doing? Are you going to avoid me for the rest of your life?

She yelled at her.

At this precise time, they both heard toilet flush. So, Catherine parted herself from Alexandra and put some distance between them so people would think they are having a simple argument.

Once an old woman left the toilet stall, washed her hands and left the lavatory, Catherine furiously turned at Alexandra who was rubbing her left shoulder which Catherine unintentionally hit to the wall.

-What do you want from me?

Alexandra asked in a low volume like she is giving up. Catherine started calming down realizing angrier she gets, more frustrated Alexandra becomes.

-I don't want anything from you. I just want to be around you. I know, I have not been around for you as much as you were there for me. But, I want to be around you, hear your stories and talk to you mine.

Alexandra avoided eye contact as she were going through what Catherine said.

-I like you a lot. I really do. I like everything about you. Your looks, your intelligence, your action in bed... You are not a toy, you are more than a friend to me. It's just... I want to be fair with you. I don't want to deceive you. I care about you and I don't want you feel miserable.

Alexandra looked down. After a moment of silence she forced out a few words out like she does not want it to be heard.

-You do not remember me.

Although Catherine did hear what she said, she still asked immediately

-What did you say?

Alexandra raised her head looked straight into Catherine's eyes.

-We have met before.

Catherine, being still confused, asked again:

-What do you mean?

-I mean, we had met before. Before that evening in the library. Way before...

Processing her words, Catherine forced herself to remember whether they had met before that evening.

-I... I do not...

-Recall it?

Alexandra assertively continued on looking into her eyes and Catherine gave up on trying to remember when and where they might meet.

-I am sorry... I am truly sorry... I really don't...

-It is OK. - Alexandra said and continued - After all, you were the one to impress me.

-When did it happen?

-2005. In Stanford.

A flashback happened in Catherine's mind:

-Annual Psychology Seminars.

-Yes. - Alexandra confirmed.

-But you...

-I was a student who had a chance to ask a few questions on your talk about Abnormal Psychology. You, on the other hand, was a brilliant Stanford graduate.

Catherine looked at her with an impression of shame.

-I liked you a lot. Your physical appearance, mind, enthusiasm and the way you talked blew my mind away. I had a crush on you. When I returned back to Yale, I told Cecile about you. She was jealous but she mocked me from time to time about it.

Listening to her, Catherine was greedily grabbing every word trying to establish at least some kind of memory. But she was not able to do so. She did not even remember any faces from that event. Considering Alexandra's attractive look, she thought she should have remembered her.

-Look, I am sorry. I do my best right now but I can't remember… Is that the reason why you were smoking that day in the library?

-What?/p

-You lit a cigarette in front of me and said you do it when you get stressed. 

Alexandra did not respond.

-I am sorry. I am really sorry for everything I have put you through. I was clearly oblivious to you until you point it out to me. And… And I can't even explain it to you how much I hate myself for ignoring you because I like you. I like you a lot. I mean it from deep of my heart. But I was not able to say so… because I was afraid you won't believe me. If I were you, I would also not believe. For god's sake, I stopped our dysfunctional relationship for getting back with Jackie and returning back to where we were just after the break-up would not look good. It would seem like a substitution of one failed relationship with the other. I did not want to put you through it too though I cannot stay away from you. I wish I could get back and make it up to you but I can't. But in case you let me, from now on, I will do my best so we can put everything behind.


End file.
